Rude Works

In my travels I have actually come across a few of these wonderful street names, pausing a while to take a photograph or just laughing uncontrollably after speaking them out aloud a few times. Have a look through this list which is by no means exhaustive on the subject and see if any are in your home area.

    

     ·   Back Passage

·        Bad Bargain Lane
·        Bag Lane
·        Balls Road
·        Balls Street
·        Bell End
·        Beaver Close
·        Bellenden Gardens *
·        Bent Lane
·        Bitchams Mead
·        Bonar Place
·        Bordom Hill
·        Bottom Street
·        Bugger End
·        Bummers Hill
·        Bulcock Street
         Burn Butts
·        Butt Lane
·        Butts Court
·        Butts Street

    ·    Cackle Street

·        Cake Street
·        Chavey Down Road
·        Cock Lane
·        Cockburn Street
·        Cockshot Road
·        Cracknuts Lane
·        Crapple Lane
·        Crazy Lane
·        Crotch Crescent


·        Der Lane
·        Dicky Lane
·        Droop Street
·        Dumber Lane
·        Dyke Close

    ·    Faggots Close

·        Fartown
·        Fanny Street
·        Fishey Lane
·        Flapper Fold Lane
·        Football Green
         Frying Pan Alley

·        Gay Street
·        Green Dicks Lane
·        Gropers Lane

    ·     Happy Land

·        Hoare Road
·        Holebottom


·        Itchin Close

    ·     Knob Lane

     ·   Lady Gardens

·        Land of Green Ginger
         Land of Nod
·        Leg of Mutton Road
·        Lickers Lane
·        Little Shambles
·        Loonies Court

     ·   Mad Alice Lane

·        Magazine Road
·        Manlove Street
·        Messines Close
·        Mincing Lane
·        Minge Lane
·        Mouthey’s Lane
·        My Lord's Road

·        Nameplate Close
·        Nickey Nackey Lane
·        No Name Street
·        Nutter Lane
·        Nutter Street

·        Pant-y-Pistyll
         Paraffin Alley
·        Petty France
·        Piddle Lane
·        Porridge Pot Alley
·        Potto Street
·        Pratt's Folly Lane

·        Road
·        Robert's Passage
         Rotten Row
         Rotenheryn Staithe

     ·   Scratchface Lane

·        Shagg Hill
·        Shaggs Meadow
·        Silly Lane
·        Slag Lane
·        Slappers Hill
·        Smack Alley
·        Smellies Lane
·        Sodom Lane
·        Spital Road
·        Squeeze Guts Alley

     ·   Tarmac Road

          The Knob
·        The Shutt
·        Tickle Avenue
·        Tomtits Lane
·        Tongue Lane
·        Tony Burns Gardens
          Trash Lane
·        Trollope Street
·        Trump Street

     ·    Vaggs Lane

     ·   Warning Tongue Lane

·        Wash Lane
·        Weevil Lane
·        Whip-ma-whop-ma-gate
·        Willey Street

    ·    Zig Zag Lane

Walter Pengelbew's Nightmare inbetween the sticks

A new record has just been set for the highest score in a football international.....here is the game as per the text commentary.

The unfortunate goalkeeper to whom this blog is dedicated was actually replaced, after letting in 22 goals, by the team captain who just managed to perform marginally better with 16 getting past. The score could have been considerably higher given the apparent combined heroics of the keepers.

Start reading from the bottom of the page and scroll upwards..............


90'+6'GOAL! FSM 0-38 FIJ TUIVUNA with his 10th goal of the game
90'+6'GOAL!!! FSM 0-37 FIJ Savenaca NAKALEVU goes on the scoreboard for Fiji
90'+4' Micronesia press into Fiji's half but they're quickly closed down by KUMAR DASS
90'+3' GOAL!!! FSM 0-36 FIJ TUIVUNA racks up another one for Fiji
90'+2' The ball is booted well clear of the field as Micronesia try to avoid conceding any further goals
Six minutes additional time
90' TUIVUNA volleys goalwards but it's wide of the target
88' GOAL!!! FSM 0-35 Substitute NAWAKULA gets his hatrick as Fiji go 35 clear
85' GOAL!!! FSM 0-34 TUIVUNA puts himself in the running for top scorer as Fiji goes 34 goals up
84' SUB FIJ Leading goalscorer Chris WASAWALA is replaced by Rusiate MATAREREGA for Fiji
80' GOAL!!! FSM 0-33 FIJ NAWAKULA with his brace just moments later
79' GOAL!!! FSM 0-32 FIJ Manasa NAWAKULA opens his account for Fiji after coming on as a second half sub

WATER BREAK

76' GOAL!!! FSM 0-31 Fiji overtake Tahiti's 30-0 win after Garish PRASAD finds another goal for his country
74' NAWAKULA winds up and fires but sends his effort wide
72' YELLOW CARD Ravinesh KUMAR DASS is cautioned for his challenge on Kacy Alton OLMOS
70' GOAL!!! FSM 0-30 FIJ TUIVUNA adds further to his and Fiji's tally taking the game to 30-0 in his side's favour
68' SUB FIJ Napalioni QASEVAKATINI is replaced by Manasa NAWAKULA
67' SUB FIJ Savenaca NAKALEVU replaces Iosefo VEREVOU
67'GOAL!!! FSM 0-29 FIJ QASEVAKATINI scores
66'GOAL!!! FSM 0-28 FIJ WASAWALA adds another
65' SUB FSM Paulis JEIKEK is replaced by Mikson KUKA
65' GOAL!!! FSM 0-27 FIJ PRASAD adds another
63' GOAL!!! FSM 0-26 FIJ Praneel NAIDU's cross comes to Garish PRASAD at the far post, he brings it down and fires home for Fiji's 26th
62' WASASALA tries to cut the ball back for QASEVAKATINI in front of goal but GADAD gets a hand to the ball first
59' GOAL!!! FSM 0-25 FIJ QASEVAKATINI scores after Fiji are awarded a free kick on the edge of the box after the keeper comes out of the box with the ball in hand
56' GOAL!!! FSM 0-24 FIJ WASAWALA with the 24th goal of the game and his eighth.
53' GOAL!!! FSM 0-23 FIJ WASASALA scores Fiji's 23rd goal of this match
48' SUB FSM: Javin KAGNAG is replaced by Ioane KARITI and Michael REYES replaced Walter PENGELBEW with Dominic GADAD going into goal for Micronesia
47' GOAL!!! FSM 0-22 FIJ Tevita WARANAIVALU gets the second half scoring underway
46' Second half gets underway between Micronesia and Fiji
HALF-TIME FSM 0-21 FIJ
45'+4' GOAL!!! FSM 0-21 FIJ Tony TUIVUNA adds the 21st goal
45'+3' GOAL!!! FSM 0-20 FIJ Another for VEREVOU gives Fiji a 20 goal lead
45'+2' GOAL!!! FSM 0-19 FIJ VEREVOU scores
45'+1' GOAL!!! FSM 0-18 FIJ TUIVUNA with another goal as Fiji keep adding to the score
43' GOAL!!! FSM 0-17 TUIVUNA with another to take Fiji to 17
43' The cross comes in from the left side, but it's too high for QASEVAKATINI
40' GOAL!!! FSM 0-16 FIJ Iosefo VEREVOU adds another to the tally as Fiji clearly go in search of a record
40' Save on the line from Micronesia's Javin KOGNANG allows PENGELBEW to scramble and collect
39' Fiji come back to captain Jale DREOLA to reset before perssing forward again
38' YELLOW CARD Micronesia captain Dominic GADAD is cautioned for a hand ball
36' GOAL!!! FSM 0-15 FIJ Fiji make up for that miss seconds later as WASASALA secures his second hat-trick
36' Fiji send their effort over the seven man wall as well as the cross bar
36' PENGELBEW carries the ball out of his box and referee Hillary ANI awards Fiji a free kick on the edge of the box
34' PENGELBEW saves before sending upfield, but Fiji are quickly back on attack
WATER BREAK
30' GOAL!!! FSM 0-14 WASAWALA moves onto five goals
29' GOAL!!! FSM 0-13 WASAWALA becomes Fiji's top scorer of the half with his fourth goal
28' GOAL!!! FSM 0-12 TUIVUNA follows right after with his hattrick
27' GOAL!!! FSM 0-11 WASASALA with his third goal
26' GOAL!!! FSM 0-10 VEREVOU with his second of the morning to take Fiji to double digits
24' GOAL!!! FSM 0-9 FIJ QASEVAKATINI with Fiji's first hattrick in the 2015 XV Pacific Games
23' Foul from Fiji as they press forward and it's hoofed upfield by Aaran BAYOW for Micronesia
22' GOAL!!! FSM 0-8 FIJ Garish PRASAD gets on the scoreboard for Fiji
21' Great cross from TUIVUNA but VEREVOU misses, it rolls to an arriving Praneel NAIDU who shoots outside the upright
20' Offside flag is raised on Garish PRASAD as a long ball is popped over the top
19' Great workup from Fiji but the ball comes back into play off the post as WASASALA goes for goal
18' Foul from Fiji in the Micronesia box means the ball in the back of the net doesn't count
17' Excellent block from PENGELBEW on WASASALA to deny an otherwise sure goal
15' VEREVOU gives away possession with a poor pass and Micronesia counter swiftly to earn their first corner of the match
12' GOAL!!! FSM 0-7 Just 12 minutes played and QASEVAKATINI joins two of his teammates on a brace
10' GOAL!!! FSM 0-6 FIJ Napolioni QASEVAKATINI scores Fiji's sixth
9' GOAL!!! FSM 0-5 FIJ TUIVUNA gets his second goal for Fiji
8' GOAL!!! FSM 0-4 FIJ Iosefo VEREVOU finishes for Fiji this time as they add their fourth
6' GOAL!!! FSM 0-3 FIJ WASAWALA with his brace as Fiji continue to heap the pressure on the Micronesia backline
5' Fiji are denied three consecutive times by every manner of the post
4' GOAL!!! FSM 0-2 FIJ Tony TUIVUNA heads past the keeper for Fiji's second
4' Fiji miss a couple of chances as Micronesia rally at the back to deny
1'GOAL!!! FSM 0-1 FIJ Chris WASALA cuts outside his defender and shoots between keeper Walter PENGELBEW and his post
1' Federated States of Micronesia get the game underway

Federated States of Micronesia: 1. Walter PENGELBEW (GK), 2. Kacy Alton OLMOS, 7. Javin KOGNANG, 8. Franson SIMEON, 9. Mark JONES, 10. Roger NAKASONE, 11. Aaran BAYOW, 13. MacArthur JAMES, 14. Paulis JEIKEK, 17. Benjamin GOLMOON, 18. Dominic GADAD (c)
Substitutes: 3. Mikson KUKA, 4. Jacob NAM, 5. Ioane KARITI, 12. Scott RUDOLPH, 15. Jonathan GARAYOG, 16. Devon FIGIRMOW, 20. Michael REYES,
Coach: Stanley FOSTER (AUS)

Fiji: 20. Tevita KOROI (GK), 2. Ravinesh KUMAR DASS, 3. Praneel NAIDU, 5. Jale DREOLA (c), 8. Atonio TUIVUNA, 9. Iosefo VEREVOU, 11. Christopher WASASALA, 12. Tevita WARANAIVALU, 14. Garish PRASAD, 15.Napolioni QASEVAKATINI, 18. Viliame BAWAI
Subsititutes: 1. Senirusi BOKINI (GK), 6. Saula WAQA, 7. Manasa NAWAKULA, 10. Rusiate MATAREREGA, 13. Filipe BARAVILALA, 16. Sakaraia NAISUA, 17. Nickel CHAND, 19. Ratu NAKALEVU

Suspended: 4. Kolinio SIVOKI
Coach: Carlos BUZZETTI (AUS)

Match Officials:
Referee: Hillary ANI (PNG)
Assistant Referee 1: David CHARLES (PNG)
Assistant Referee 2: Norman BAFINU (PNG)
Fourth Official: Mairi NONI (PNG)

Welcome to the Bisini Sports Complex in Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea for the XV Pacific Games/OFC Olympic Qualifer Group A encounter between Federated States of Micronesia and Fiji.

Penthouse and Pavement

I gave up my garden willingly with the house move but there are a few moments when I think about it and miss it.

This is a mixed emotion as it was quite an effort to keep it looking, well, just tidy.

It seemed that every other weekend had to be devoted to hedge trimming, sweeping up leaf debris, weeding, tilling the borders and watering anything that survived my typically destructive and scorched earth approach.

In between and with the highly unpredictable and unreliable British weather there were few opportunities to actually sit out and enjoy the garden.

I was a regular up at the Civic Amenity Site so much so that I was never challenged as to what I was getting rid of. My privileged status meant that I was just fast tracked through to the Green Waste container.

The two day gardening project always started with cutting the front and rear lawns. I enjoyed this the  most but did get through quite a few mowers through misuse, such as ploughing through dense vegetation and the inevitable consequence of being distracted by dogs and small children and slicing through the mains power cable.

In the period of being between mowers I had to beg or borrow the use of one from neighbours, family or friends.

Modern electric machines are pretty docile and there is a good degree of contol with the "dead man" type throttle and so I was completely out of my depth on being lent an old style petrol powered mower.

For the duration of using it I was dragged up and down the lawn in an uncontrollable panic shrouded by a choking fog of fumey smoke not to mention the deafening accompaniment of rotating cutter blades and over-revving two stroke engine. My family had been terrified by the experience and had quickly retreated to the safety of the house, just peeking out at any further strange sounds to make sure that I was still hanging on in there.

Having a July birthday was the ideal time to be bought a new lawn mower and this did become a very regular gift.

Lawns were followed by the more technical and exhausting task of trimming the hedges.

The boundary demarcation with flanking neighbours was entirely in privet, therefore in excess of 40 metres run in total. The main length to the driveway was some 3 metres tall and a step ladder was necessary for this section. Precarious it was in the extreme to balance the rickety and loose footed ladder whilst operating the heavy electric timmer with both hands. Complicating factors included the wind fuunneling down the side of the house causing the ladder to wobble, more distractions from dogs and small children and the attentions of passing pedestrians who would invariably remark on my complete flounting of Health and Safety and basic common sense.

The trimmer slashed and dispersed the bits of hedge to all parts of the garden and the ever growing debris-field of cuttings had of course to be swept up, bagged and taken to the tip.

The satisfaction of standing back to admire a well shaped line of foliage was immediately diminished by the prospect of the major clean up that followed.

All of the above had to be accelerated with news of an impending family gathering at the house or if other visitors were expected.

Our back garden was very much in demand amongst friends with very small infants as it was safe and child friendly, ie no deep ponds, poisonous plants or access to a busy road.

The place looked its best not with clipped lawns, tidied borders or a splash of colour from vegetation but entirely concealed under a layer of playmats, toys, pedal cars, lego bricks, building blocks and scaled down bright red plastic furniture.

I live now in the inner city.

The house exceeds our needs and indeed our initial expectations upon purchase. It is close to everything that we could possibly need on a daily basis or to cater for our busy lifestyle. The floor area is actually larger than the previous residence and being some 80 years newer than our previous we get the benefits of significantly better insulation and lower running costs.

As for the footprint?

The forecourt style frontage is covered in Scottish pebbles around a stone roundel and needs no tending other than a periodic extraction of any weeds that have evaded the patented weed resistant matting . The back of the house is for vehicle parking and is entirely block paved.

Both areas are of minimal maintenance.

I now enjoy waking up on a saturday morning in the knowledge that I can attend to my outside chores in about 30 minutes armed with nothing more than a hosepipe, yard brush and the first cup of tea of the day.

Eve of The Tour de France

It was a ladies bicycle or at least what I would call a ladies bicycle although given the trend for one fits all and unisex versions I could not be totally sure. In a more public location it could have been mistaken for a piece of street-art, an installation on which a whole TV documentary series, university thesis or a highbrow course could be based with long and authoratative discussions and arguments on the interaction between man, machine and nature.

I recalled the quite well known archive photograph of a bicycle now firmly set through the trunk of a mature tree, the crossbar running fully through the concentric rings of the heartwood. The story is a matter of urban myth or folklore where a young man ,out on his bike on a country road, first heard of the outbreak of the first world war. In his enthusiasm and impatience to sign up and do his duty for his country he threw his rather childish mount into a cluster of saplings. Whatever was the fate of the boy come man is not known to me but ominously he never returned to reclaim the bike and it was allowed to be merge with and become a part of what grew to be a large tree.

In the back garden of the house where the ladies bicycle was located it was just that, a bicycle in a back garden but slowly being consumed by nature. It had not been there that long because the chunky off road tyres were still at optimum pressure whereas you would expect a bit of deflation or dry cracking to the side walls of the rubber compound from neglect or the passage of time. I could not envisage someone going out of their way to regularly inflate the tyres on a 'just in case' basis and anyway the ivy which had claimed the bike for its own would not relinquish its firm, tendril grip no matter how urgent wasthe urge to cycle down to the corner shop for milk, bread, cigarettes or the evening newspaper.

The donor plant was actually rooted in next doors garden but the wet, warm and humid spring and summer had excited the plant into an unprecedented bid to breach the boundary and seek out new territories. Gradually the new growths had spiralled up and around the bicycle as it stood idle against the fence, facing forward towards the passage way between the pair of semi detached houses and leading to the street beyond.

The thicker down tubes of the bike were gripped strongest by the stringy growths and were the fastest to emerge from shadows into a regular stream of sunlight. Lesser branches of the plant ran along the stays and into the rear gear cluster, up the front forks and even tightly spun around the handlebars and chrome bell. The bike would require major surgery in order to be free of the web of ivy.

The householder remarked casually upon my passing interest that he had meant to put the bike in the shed but had obviously pushed this farther and farther back in his mental list of things to do around the house.

I could not resist taking a photograph of the surreal scene before the bike would be completely enveloped in foliage and disappear to form the central backbone of a new hedge. There was the distinct possibility of expressions of astonishment and amazement upon its discovery at some time in the distant future amongst those who knew nothing of its existence.

Scotland; Bite ma Shorts!

Some of the best ever holidays that we, as a family, have enjoyed have been in late summer and early autumn in Scotland.

It is a great time of the year to visit with an often indian sub-continental climate and a few less northern european tourists in camper vans. The natural light is paler and mellow which, with the turning of the broadleaved trees and heather really emphasises the beauty of the mountains, glens and lochs.

Of course, all of this appreciation and sightseeing must be completed when it is raining or before dusk because when dry and after the light has faded is when Scotland reverts to the insect kingdom and the miniscule but mighty blood thirsty midge.

In the purpley fading light of a sunset behind a backdrop of the most fantastic scenery it is necessary to light up the 3-Tigers smoke producing tapers, immerse yourself in insect repellent or doctor yourself with oral medication and even seriously consider taking up high tar cigarettes for the duration of any vacation north of the border. I hesitate to mention some of the more wacky, folklore based and Old Wives remedies to alleviate this insect affliction. This is all undertaken even to if you intend to stay indoors and do not at all harbour any thoughts to venture out to see the unfettered night sky including the Milky Way, possibly the Aurora Borealis or the tremendous landscape in silhouette.

The Midge has undoubtedly had an impact on the attraction of Scotland as a vacation destination and for ultimate enjoyment of its great outdoors but perhaps there is an element of conspiracy in that relief from attack can be sought in the pubs, bars, restaurants and entertainment venues for a price.

To this end a proactive project was carried out in September 2008 by Aberdeen University and Rothamstead Research into midge habits in order to determine if there exists a formula for a wholly effective means of repellent.

The survey sample was quite specifically located on the shores of Loch Ness and comprised a total of 325 people who just happened to be visitors at that time.The study did reveal some interesting facts and statistics.

The midge definitely favours men of tall stature and overweight women. The reasons were however significantly different. In the former case a midge has a workable flying altitude of 2 metres and associates trees and vegetation at this height with food. Tall men are therefore a rather confused source for sustenance. In the latter the feasting of midges is on the common extrusions from overweight women of carbon dioxide and lactic acid. The survey did not comment on the emissions of large, fat males because there were none milling about at Loch Ness at the time. This sounds like a self  fulfilling prophecy if ever there was one. They are overweight simply because they do not take strenuous exercise in the open air in september around a deep water Loch.

A surprising revelation of the survey was that around 15% of the sample had a natural immunity to midge bites and when questioned on this it was apparent that this was the same with other family members and of different generations of the family, therefore indicating a genetic disposition. The report does not state if this charmed proportion of the population were culled and disected in the interests of science, humanity and the Scottish Tourist Board. Volunteers must have been forthcoming in that the secret repellent was identified as being a combination of two chemicals- geranylacetaone and methylheptenone. These can be artificially processed on an industrial scale and are sold to the perfume industry in particular.

The basis is a floral compound of fruity aroma but totally abhorrent to the midge. The merits of these compounds for intelligent pest management have not escaped the commercial world and a series of products are currently well into the test stage pending production. The availability of such a repellent will be revolutionary for the nation of Scotland.

It turns out that there really are those amongst us who always come up from any adversity, smelling of roses.

#Senior Moment

I am at that age, in my sixth decade, when I am quite sensitive to what my muscles and organs are trying to tell me.

The faintest twinge or that ominous sounding deep down gurgle causes me to hesitate in whatever I am doing and analyse what is going on.

Having recently not only joined a local gym but actually taken part in regular training sessions on the premises I have experienced some very weird and wonderful sensations in long dormant or underused parts of my body.

After the very first run-through of my weights repetitions a couple of weeks ago I was unable to lift my arms above the horizontal for a few days after but this has gradually eased and returned to normal in terms of manipulation and mobility.

I have also resumed a lot of cycling activities with upwards of 70 to 80 miles ridden on a weekly basis and this has been the catalyst for a few painful muscle contractions in the middle of the night or if I have sat in an awkward position at my work station or whilst out in the car.

The main problem is that I have the notion that I am back in my peak fitness days of late teens and early to mid twenties and my brain encourages this thought regardless of what my body is transmitting back in terms of pains and strains.

I am reluctant to admit that I am indeed much older but respect the need to accept my limitations.

Rest is important and I must learn to say No if invited to do anything involving physical exertion or concentrated activity.

Just today I experienced an unusual spasm in my right lower abdomen area.

Just placing a foot down at a junction whilst sat on a bike saddle can overstretch calf and thigh muscles and trying to keep up with my 20 year old son on a long hill ascent induces a burning, cramp type sensation.

I thought that maybe this new spasm was a delayed reaction to the fast paced 90km ride at the weekend and so dismissed it as such. I carried on in my daily workload but the pain returned on an intermittent basis mainly when pressing my right foot down on the accelerator in the car or when walking a first few steps on arriving at my various destinations on my round of appointments.

I did have my appendix out a few years ago and what was intended to be keyhole surgery became, with complications, more like putting a fishing rod through a letter box. You do hear from time to time about bits of operating theatre equipment being stitched up inside a patient and this did cross my mind briefly.

The actual position of the pain was difficult to pin down.

One moment it was just below the waistband of my trousers, the next a bit further down. It was mobile as though parasitic in nature and adapting to avoid detection and any attempts at a remedy or relief.

Fiddling around in the trouser department is not something to be done in the public street. To a casual onlooker it could seem as though I had mislaid a small rodent or even a small stash of coins amongst the deposits of lint in the lining of a deep pocket.

Sat in the drivers seat of the car and undertaking an examination in that region of the body could look even more suspicious to a passing pedestrian. I did try but the seated position imposed some constriction on my trouser top.

It was a case of just finding a quiet location where I would not be overlooked and carrying out as detailed an investigation as possible without getting reported to the police or subjected to the embarrassment of a Citizens Arrest for seemingly lewd and rude behaviour.

The far corner of a suburban car park seemed suitable being deserted on a Wednesday afternoon.

I gently probed the area of the concerning twinge with my right hand. There was a defined shape and form to it. My understanding of a hernia flew against this observation and this gave me a feeling of relief but I was not, as they say, in the clear just yet.

It was quite rigid and through my tucked in shirt and waistband also very smooth. I could make out a narrow top edge and regular dimensions to the two sides. It followed that there would be a lower side and I confirmed this.It might not be part of my body after all.

I then had a bit of a flashback to when I had been getting  ready to leave for work at about 7.30am that day. I had caught sight, on the bedroom floor, of a distinctive purple piece of plastic that was my ID Card from my professional organisation. On a regular basis I had to show it to get past cautious homeowners and officious jobsworth estate agents and it was therefore quite an essential piece of documentation. In my part clothed state and morning stupor I must have picked up the credit card sized item and placed it somewhere for safe keeping.

This, on the evidence before me, was obviously in the side panel of my pants just below the elasticated top. It had just sat there quite nicely and had not been any trouble until that abdominal spasm. I was mightily relieved and not a little embarassed.

My body was fit and healthy after all.

I just have my brain and those worrying senior moments to contend with.