New roof every 40 years.
Replace the rainwater fittings every 20 years.
Re-point the external walls on a 15 year rota.
New better performing windows and doors every decade.
Paint the remaining woodwork twice in every ten year period.
Remodel the interior upon each change of ownership which traditionally was held to be on a seven year progression.
Skim plaster ceilings and walls on a whim.
Refit sanitaryware when the next best thing is seen in a magazine be it a fruit bowl basin or a Travertine tiled wet and steam room.
Install a new kitchen whenever you get bored of the existing one, perhaps even between meals.
You would expect my job of inspection, diagnosis and analysis of the structure and installations of a house to be made considerably easier by the regularity of the ongoing process of repairs and renewals but in fact my arrival at a seemingly perfect property only serves to start off my mental alarm system in anticipation of botched, concealed and downright dodgy workmanship and practices.
There are many instances of what the senior generation would refer to as "top show" where superficially everything looks superb but just below the surface there is less than satisfactory detail lurking.
I was therefore thrilled today to come across a largely unspoilt house in terms of its features, fittings and amazingly what would be regarded as a vintage range of kitchen units- the forerunner of what we would call a fitted kitchen although barely recognisable as such against those being marketed to home owners today.
It is a limited run of sturdy joiner built rather than flat pack base units, consisting of four white faced hinged cupboards with lime green drawer fronts above although two are dummies incorporated below the enamelled finished sink and drainer.
The enamel is spotlessly clean and unblemished giving the appearance of little use although likely to have been many times during a domestic cycle of activity.
The adjoining work surface is in granite effect Formica, also as bright and shiny as though fitted a few hours ago and not yet commissioned.
Fixed to the wall above are two pantry units but non-matching suggesting that one may pre-date the main array and retained for its generous shelved storage and useful sliding glass cabinet beneath. It may have even been part of a more established larder unit but cut down to size and the lower part discarded or in use, recycled in another part of the house.
It is a kitchen combining what would be the all mod cons of the period and the "make and mend" era that it superseded.
The adjoining wall unit has larger shelving spacing to take dinner plates and a row of 6 dowel pegs for cups and mugs to be hung from.
A stylistic touch is a spice rack in the gap between upper and lower storage and well stocked on the day of my visit.
The taps on the enamel coated metal are elegant swan necks in bright chrome finish and again remarkably sparkling and with no oxidisation or wear and tear. I felt a bit strange having to test that they worked as though questioning their legitimacy over the previous four or more decades.
What of the future of this amazingly preserved vintage kitchen?
The parents of the young couple interested in buying the old house stood alongside me and we were all a bit dewy eyed at our collective recollections of having been brought up with very much the same combination of form and function.
As for the prospective owners, well, they probably could not wait to rip it all out and wait for B&Q to come in and put in a brand new one.
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