Beachcombing

It needs clarification, right from the start to avoid misunderstanding and unnecessary flippancy. 

The equipment used to find metallic objects in the ground is the detector and the person operating the equipment is the Detectorist. 

There, I feel better for getting that out in the open particularly as I can admit to having recently done a bit of detectorisation  (I made that one up to confuse you) and really enjoyed it. 

Picture the scene. 

A traditional August Bank Holiday Monday, a beach on the East Coast, families huddled behind windbreaks, a few intrepid kite flyers, optimistic belly boarders gazing out over the miniscule wavelets, an impromptu game of rounders-like-cricket, hundreds of dogs and owners, flapping greasy chip wrappers, a handful of wasps, three people stood waist deep in the very, very cold North Sea and the sound of seagulls making a nuisance of themselves around the accidentally left open wheelie bin of beach litter. 

Just one figure stands out as being unusual to the observant eye. 

It is me, wandering about aimlessly with an internet bought metal detector. 

It is nothing special. In fact I am a bit wary about the brittleness of the plastic components, of the durability of the three dials for something, something and something and very confused about the correlation between the frequent beeping tone and the seemingly random surges across a small display screen of a needle gauge. 

There are no headphones as per the more technically advanced model which was in the higher price bracket. 

The upper section of the stick like device does have a nice elbow rest making for a comfortable handling experience when carrying out the required sweeping movements over the pebble strewn sands. 

I did report these features back on the inevitable prompt for a review by the pushy, anonymous seller but wish I hadn’t as I was subsequently pestered for my opinion on the detector by three anxious persons. 

One wanted to know if the thing was any good as he was obviously considering a purchase, another who had evidently bought the same model wanted to know how to switch it on and the third if it could be folded in half for ease of transportation. 

I put together the usual phrases using key words such as “budget”, “plasticky”, “price as an indicator of quality” and “you get what you paid for”, etc, etc. This seems to have been taken on board by the enquirers as I have heard no more about it. 

Obviously I cannot be held responsible if they were swayed by my comments and then found that the detector was a poor acquisition, had persistent problems with the on/off switch or the fact that it did not fold in half meant that it was useless to the person to whom that attribute was a critical issue. 

I had thought long and hard about where to christen the detector on my inaugural outing. 

I imagined a misty early morning in a freshly ploughed field (too early for this scenario in August with the crops still awaiting harvesting), a lonely trek across a gorse spotted heath (I live in a lowland area), sneaking into an Ancient Monument site and having a quick shufty ( I fully understand this to be the Prosecutable Offence of Grave Robbing) or chancing it on the fringes of a nearby live firing range ( the depositing on his teachers desk of a section of a missile caused much newspaper coverage and Bomb Disposal activity recently). 

In consideration of the pros and cons of respective hunting grounds I felt that a beach was acceptable.

The fact that I could cadge a lift with the rest of the family was also a factor. 

I was a bit self-conscious at first mainly because my classic search grid procedure did mean crossing the aforementioned cricket pitch, bisecting the paths of dog walkers and intruding into the line of sight of the expectant would be surfers just in case a wave above half a foot did actually develop out beyond the breakwater. 

As for the kite flyers they were not best pleased by my movements and nervously kept the garrotte quality nylon cord well elevated above me. I did have to interrupt my systematic investigations where families had pitched their small beach shelters and also keep my head down where ladies were wrestling in and out of their costumes under an unpredictable bathroom towel. 

It took a few minutes to get the calibration of the detector correct. 

As a guide I ran the circular sensor over my right knee cap and the combined audio and visual output confirmed that the hospital had indeed inserted a metal plate a few months earlier as part of the operation to re-attach my quad tendon. I made a mental note to keep the detector on my left side so as not to get false readings whilst sweeping.  

Passing up, down and along the sands I had to answer a few questions from inquisitive members of the public. I could appreciate the annoyance of, for example, anglers in the same situation who had to deal with “are they biting today?” , “have you caught anything yet?” or “Do you think that any fish can actually exist in that?”. 

My responses were curt but polite. 

I did encourage interest as I was quite theatrical in my actions. Frequent pauses and pokes in the sand suggested that I was mapping out the site of a huge hoard of treasure. A standing joke was that I had cleared a safe path down to the waters edge as long as people did not stray beyond the line of pebbles beyond which they took their lives and safety into their own hands. 

After a couple of hours my pockets were fair bulging with bits and pieces from my efforts. 

Of course, only a small shard of corroded metal and a rusty nail had been detected by the detector in my detectorist activities but I had come across some lovely smooth stones, possibly a bit of fossilised amber and some interesting bits of wave-worn driftwood out of which I could fashion something interesting, sometime.

It had been a good session. 

I was technically out of pocket by 25 pence as I had, in quieter moments, closed my eyes and dropped a series of shiny 5 pence coins into the softer sandy parts of the beach. They remained concealed and would be quite a find for anyone following me with the AMZdeal lightweight metal detector with multi function folding shovel- 

oh, I forgot to mention about the shovel....................................