Angry Britain

There seems to be a great welling up of anger and frustration in this country of ours. 

It may be down to the Brexit thing or equally to personal circumstances and not a little bit of jealously about others who always seem ,or at least give the impression of being, better off and more fortunate than we are. 

The emotions in us can erupt in all manner of places and scenarios such as in a jostling queue, where there may be a perceived injustice or out on the road. 

I would normally do my utmost to avoid watching a TV programme with the title of "Angry Britain" but felt compelled to watch it nevertheless. 

It was a revelation not so much about the petty situations whereby we find ourselves in conflict with our neighbours and fellow citizens but more for the very poor quality of swearing and profanity that comes out of our mouths. 

The commonplace obscenities of the F, C and B words are all too easy to bawl and shout but do lack imagination, meaning and also an essential element of humour that could actually help to diffuse a potentially inflammatory series of events. 

We seem to have lost the art of being tactfully and skillfully rude. 

I have therefore sought to re-introduce ten top insults from yesteryear which must return to our everyday vocabulary before they are lost forever and we have nothing left but to resort to fisticuffs and general violent behaviour. 

These are, in no particular order of application, as follows;

1) Nincompoop. As in, you are a complete idiot. This was regularly in earshot when I was but a nipper and actually sounded both insulting and exciting. Its derivation is thought to be as a shortened form of "non compos mentis" or not of sound mind. It will have been sidelined in this politically correct and sanitised society that we now find ourselves to be simultaneously applauding and finding extreme frustration with.

2) Wazzock. The comedian Tony Capstick in the context of the then 1980's managed to put this word into the meaningful sentence of "You great useless spawny eyed parrot faced wazzock". It has multiple relevance but in today's sensitive environment can upset quite a cross section of the population in one go. It's origins are a matter of great debate from meaning a bulls penis to the urination practices of a Northerner and a straining cloth to the marriage of the words wanker and pillock. 

3) Codswallop. One of my "old school" teachers at one of my old schools was quick to use this word when presented with substandard classroom or home produced coursework. Again it has a few claims to its origins. The obvious mention of a species of fish suggests something a bit nasty and smelly but the popular myth is linked to a brand of soft drink by a manufacturer called Codd. The vociferous sect of beer drinkers derided the availabilty of a soft drink by calling it Codds Wallop, the latter meaning beer. It is also connected to a wooden device used to dislodge the glass marble stopper from an old fashioned drinks bottle.

4) Lummox. I was reminded of this very evocative insult when a member of a radio panel show mentioned it as their favourite word. Put together as in "You steaming great lummox" I can see its attraction in a conflict scenario. It is thought to be derived from lumbering ox which is self explanatory to describe a ponderous, clumsy and rather dim person.

5) Bulls Pizzle. You need not go further than the great Shakespeare to see the value of a hard hitting profanity. In Henry the 4th, Part One the dialogue reads "away you starvelling, you elf skin, you dried neat's tongue, bulls pizzle, you stock fish". Of course, if I were in a situation where this sentence would be an ultimate put-down to an assailant or complainant I would struggle to remember it word for word. Bulls Pizzle would do just fine or in fact any of the others.

6) Ninny. This is a shortened form of nincompoop (see above at 1) but has a degree of affection in its tone and delivery. I can see it being quite useful in a situation where close family or good friends are involved and although some chiding is called for it can be in a gentler and advisory form. 

7) Big Girl's blouse. This is an ideal substitute for the more inflammatory wuss, cissy and coward. It can be beyond reasonable to question someone's bravery and commitment as this often causes a violent reaction. The worst insult in this category can be making chicken sounds as this always creates bravado and machismo. Although still meaning an emasculated and weak or moaning male it is sufficiently humoured to be received without too much of a risk of an adverse outburst from the recipient.

8) Fop or Dandy. These words are heard very rarely nowadays as they are reminiscent of a bygone era of male flamboyance, affected character and large powdered wigs. Nevertheless I can see them having some relevance today when directed at an adversary who may be well groomed, coiffured, suited and booted. 

9) Dunderhead. Another throwback to my schooling in the 1970's and where I was usually the target for its barbed meaning. At least the teacher was being kind on the basis that alternatives for dunderhead include Idiot,Plonker,Pillock,Klutz,Dunce,Numbskull, Blockhead, Bonehead, Lunkhead, Hammerhead, Knucklehead ,Muttonhead, Shithead and Fuckhead

and finally,

10) Fussbucket. Not such a popular name by way of insult but straight to the point in highlighting a tedious person as being able to more than fill a bucket with their fussiness and awkward tedious behaviour. 

I am determined during the coming week to use one or more of the above in a unique social experiment in any potentially adversarial situation that I may find myself in. 

I will report back with my findings or if you do not hear from me directly then just contact the local hospital to see what specialist ward my subsequent battle scars have qualified me for.