Pressing Button A

I can remember the era before mobile phones and even further back when our home telephone number had just five digits.

On occasion we could listen in to the conversations of neighbours on a party line for a few seconds before feeling guilty about it and carefully replacing the receiver.

Go back just a few more years and even having a land line in the house was a rarity, reserved for those in important and responsible jobs who just had to be contactable out of normal hours.

It was the case in those far off days that you had to rely on a public telephone, typically in a street kiosk or in a community space such as in a railway station, train station or public house.

I was always provided with a small denomination coin in my pocket by my parents if I was out and about for any length of time specifically for insertion into a pay phone in case of an emergency.

I was reminded of the reliance on public telephones in the dialogue of a radio episode of the classic "Dad's Army" written by David Croft and Jimmy Perry.

The scene is a lecture to his Home Guard group by Captain Mainwaring on the subject of communication in the event of an invasion by the enemy in 1940's England.

Having exhausted all manner of methods of conveying news of an attack including using the rays of the sun to signal from the town gasometer to observers on the Church Bell Tower the enthusiastic Captain reverts to the potential use of the good old telephone from the nearest telephone box.

Private Pike "I'm not allowed to use a public telephone Mr Mainwaring. My Mum says its unhygienic. She says you can catch things from the receiver"

Capt M "You can always hold it away from your face"

Pike "I tried that once but I couldn't hear"

Capt M "So you've never really used a phone box?"

Pike "No Sir"

Capt M " What do you do when you want to make a phone call?"

Pike "Uncle Arthur lets me use the one in the Bank"

Capt M "Does he really?"

Pike "I don't use it very often though"

Capt M " I'm glad to hear it"

Pike "Only when I phone my auntie in Scotland"

Capt M "Wilson, I'll talk to you later"

Corporal Jones " Mr Mainwaring, I just wanted to say that I'm not very experienced in using a phone box. You see, I spent a lot of my time in far flung places, some of them quite a long, long way away. Them Whirling Dervishes, they don't do a lot of telephoning either you see Sir"

Capt M. "Yes, well, there's only one thing for it. I'll have to make sure that you all know how to use a phone box"

Pike "I know Sir but even if you show us my Mum still won't let me use it."

Capt M "Surely Pike, with the enemy pounding at our gates you can run the slight risk of an infection"

Pike "Well, I suppose so. I still don't like it. My Mum says you get mastiffs in your ears"

Capt M "Now we'd better go through this by numbers. On One you pick up the phone. On Two you insert tuppence - ching ching, ching ching"

Sergeant Wilson "Sorry Sir, what's this ching ching thing?"

Capt M "Really Wilson, it's the sound of coppers dropping into the box, ching ching, ching ching. Now I don't want you to be put off by this sound. It's quite normal. The Operator will then say "Number please" and you ask for this number which is Walmington on Sea , err.........."

Wilson "333"

Capt M " I know the number, Walmington on Sea 333. The Operator will then say "I'm connecting you" and when you hear the confirmation you press Button A. Let's just try that men. Wilson you can be the Operator"

Wilson "Oh thank you Sir"

Capt M "Now men, on One pick up the telephone in your right hands, One......good and on Two we all put our pennies in the slot"

Pike " Excuse me Mr Mainwaring. Can you change a sixpence please?"

Capt M "What on earth for?"

Pike "I haven't got two pennies"

Capt M "You stupid boy. We're just pretending. Now here we go then. Two... ching ching, ching ching. Come on Wilson,.......number please"

Wilson " Number please"

Capt M "Walmington on Sea 333 please"................get on with it Wilson"

Wilson "What Sir?"

Capt M "say I'm connecting you"

Jones "Permission to speak sir"

Capt M "Yes Jones"

Jones "I thought you didn't put the pennies in until the Operator said so"

There follows a mass argument amongst the platoon members about the correct procedure for using a public phone box.

Capt M "Alright, there's only one way to settle this. We must try it out under combat conditions. Sergeant Wilson. Fall the men in and we'll march down to the phone box at the corner"

The platoon leaves the Church Hall for further mayhem and chaos.