Pitch Perfect

Some of the best football matches I have been to see were not always about the on-pitch play. 

To be honest, some games have been dire. 

I have actually apologised to those I have taken to a game if the entertainment value has been at all lacking. This is because I have felt personally responsible for getting them to spend three or so hours of their busy lives when it could have been so better served in other ways, be it Saturday afternoon gardening, Sunday lunchtime waiting at the queue to use the Civic Amenity Site, a Tuesday night of foregoing another episode in a favourite TV serial or a wet, winter Wednesday when taking refuge under a quilt, in pyjamas, with cocoa and a loved one would be the sensible thing. 

A 0-0 draw can have some entertainment value if the opposing teams put in an effort and this is reflected in a blood and thunder tackling policy and taking pot shots at every opportunity even if there is a lack of skill and direction. 

In the most tedious of early minor Cup Rounds my team really struggled against an outfit from a much lower division for the 90 minutes of normal time plus injury time and then another 30 minutes of excruciatingly boring extra time. It was only in the inevitable penalty shoot out that heart and pulse rates became elevated above comatose and with the home victory the afterglow was one of the happiest experiences I have had with football. 

So what contributes to the enjoyment of football? 

Personally, it starts with the build up to the game. 

This can be from the Press Conference, usually taken by the Manager and one selected squad member, in midweek before a Saturday Kick-Off and carried through by previews in the media on matchday including Pundit predictions in the broadsheets and redtops and on TV Shows.

Such is the contractural protection of, in particular English Premier League footage that a full 30  minutes or hour long show can have no actual game play highlights which I find ludicrous and frustrating in the extreme. 

Traffic jams on the way to the stadium are tolerable if there is a feeling that there is enough time to get to your seat before play commences and there is chatter on the radio of team news or other football facts and trivia. 

I like a floodlit game, which in the UK winter months is any 3pm start, and in particular that first glimpse of the luscious green pitch as you emerge from the turnstiles, staircasing and concessions. 

Programme in hand that first touch of nether regions on a hard and cold folding seat really sets the atmosphere. 

Nowadays the big ticket prices for Premier League Matches are under close scrutiny for value for money as those attending in, say, a 50,000 capacity stadium will be made up of season ticket holders, casual fans, Corporate guests and first timers. The latter categories will, on an aggregated basis, be a reasonable percentage of the crowd and as consumers rather than enthusiasts theirs will be a different measure of entertainment value. 

You can understand the reluctance of Football Clubs to engage in suggestion boxes or customer satisfaction surveys- something I have never ever been asked to participate in before, during or after a match. 

There are some in Football Associations or Governing Bodies across the globe who have thought about tinkering with the rules of the game to enhance the entertainment experience. 

In the United States the franchisees (and I use that term in its most derogatory meaning) of an early manifestation of the beautiful game introduced the penalty shoot out so that there was always an outright winner. 

More recently there has been spitballing about changing the duration of a match as studies have shown that out of the regulation 90 minutes there can be around thirty eight and a half minutes of non-activity from fouls, subsequent free kicks, corners, throw- ins, goal celebrations, restarts after goals, substitutions, handbags at dawn situations between players, arguing with the referee and the occasional supporter protest, streaker, beach ball invasion, wayward flare smoke, crowd trouble,  a rare floodlight failure and many other scenarios which may occur when there is a large animated congregation. 

The referee and his assistants can play a large part in keeping things fluid and active but it is these interruptions to open play that contribute to the grand experience. 

They have an intrinsic value that must not be tampered with. 

The fans can easily entertain themselves in the inevitable lulls in a game and many a dull match has been enlightened by the singing, irreverent chanting, banter and mischief that can break out in most surprising and glorious ways. 

In a particularly and painfully quiet moment in a mind blowingly tedious match involving my home team one voice piped up with a single word that had a good many crying into their scarves- that being “PRAC-TICE!”. 

I have not even mentioned pies, pints, the residue of drinking chocolate powder to be found in the bottom of what I thought was a cup of insipid tea, Footlongs, overpriced Mars Bars and crisps, a sensation of frostbite or malarial fever depending upon the season in a season and having your face very close to a drunk fan who insists on a personal serenade or tirade as he makes his way to the bar 10 minutes before half time or the car park at about the same time before the final whistle. 

Entertainment from football? 

It is hard to define because it is a full-on sensory thing, a mixture of ecstatic feelings and near suicidal, euphoria and desperation, joy and heartache. 

Just leave it be, please.