Upper Crust

The Pork Pie is a demanding mistress.

I cannot go even part of a single day without thinking of one. I do have a reasonable breakfast with the intention that it will see me through that disproportionate part of the day that is a working morning. I may be tempted to partake of a coffee from a drive through window at as close to the traditional elevenses as I can manage which does seem to satisfy the first empty feelings but it is not long after that the all pervading obsession for a Pork Pie takes over my every thought and sense.

I may be standing out in a field or up in a loft space when I begin to visualise that cellophane wrapped morsel in the chiller of a fictional shop that only sells Pork Pies. The shelf in my minds eye has the full compliment of pies in carefully stocked and graded sizes. I was completely thrown just yesterday by Tesco's marketing of a pack of miniature, diminuitive pork pies on their price reduced post Jubilee clearance section. Obviously, with such a surplus of that product it has, as with me, not caught the attention or love of the British Pork Pie enthusiast. It is a pie too far.

The right and proper order in which Pork Pies should be displayed to the public is strictly as follows; Mini-usually in a twin pack. Single individual- slighly scaled up from Mini. Large-a sort of family size. Extra Large-more of a buffet offering. There are of course custom made and bespoke pies from  those local Butchers who have survived the onslaught of the in-store meat counters and shrink-wrap but that is just too much for me to contemplate at the best of times. There has been a resurgence of the debate in recent months about  branding of products by place of origin. The Pork Pie has not been immune from EU scrutiny but as far as I am aware the Melton Mowbray originals have been able to maintain their authenticity in the face of considerable competition. After all, a Pork Pie may just be a British thing.

I have been very disappointed by some offerings masquerading as a Pork Pie but sorely lacking in the main attributes. The classic Pork Pie must possess and flaunt the characteristics of rusky, stout and just about crispy casing with crimped edges around the lid, itself with just the trace of a decorative embellished sliver of pastry. The base must not be soggy or infused with the glue of the tightly sealed wrapper. In disection, the starting point of enjoying a Pork Pie, there must be clear air between the pork meat and the underside of the lid. A smattering of jelly is not essential- there, I have controversially stated my position on that point and do not wish to enter into a debate with officianados of transparent gelatinous substances.

The pork meat must be dense, yet light in texture and of good quality fare and not offcuts, floor sweepings with impregnated sawdust or sausage trimmings often found by the Service Engineer when called to clear a blockage from the mighty mincer. Some manufacturers do offer bastardised Pork Pies which can be pre-loaded with pickle or cheese but I will ignore them completely.

The actual eating of a Pork Pie is both a solemn and joyful experience. I always find a decent, inoffensive parking spot with a good broad view over attractive landscape or to water, the North Sea is particularly complimentary.

If a good quality bake there will be little evidence of crumbs in the folds of a working shirt or the gathered creases of suit trousers. There should be no scope by which to create a greasy stain on a formal tie.These are essential attributes for a working man. The bi-monthly hoovering out of the car will not offer up any fragments as a reminder of the many moments of guilty pleasure in the company of a Pork Pie.

I am not alone in my infatuation. I was amused by the recent media coverage that whilst menfolk willingly eat sparingly and healthily at home and thereby alleviate the concerns of their loved ones for risks of coronary, cholesterol, gout and obesity problems the targeted  snack market for males is booming. Man Crisps, Man sized chocolate bars, aggresive peperami's, Rustlers microwaveable burgers in a sesame topped bun, pizza's associated with watching football, Walls sausages for White Van Man and so on.

The Advertising Executives have done their homework and research well. My age group, whilst burdened by mortgages, pensions and petrol costs will always find enough loose change in the car ash tray, under the car seat or in the linings of coat and suit pockets to stretch to wholesome comfort food.

Long Live the Pork Pie. Now, where is the nearest village with a shop and chiller cabinet? That's an idea- an App or Sat Nav specifically for that purpose........