You old bag!

I started to learn to play the bagpipes.

Not being unkind to the proud tradition of piping but I think that I have an ear for music and I cannot surely be the only person to sense that a good old Scots dirge is a bit towards the flat side of being tuneful.

I know that by saying this my ancestors from the north of Scotland will be reaching for their small sock mounted daggers or whatever weaponry they may harbour within their sporrans to wreak an awful revenge. Do not get me wrong, I do get fired up and emotional within hearing distance of a pipe band or sole piper. There is nothing more melancholy and stirring to the soul than a slow march or lament by the pipes and I am not aware of anything that comes close to creating such a very special ambience for a whole country. The instrument has been, well, instrumental in the very history of the Scots and a first hand witness to give testimony to the hardships and suffering of that proud nation and its people.

I was under the impression that by mastering the bagpipes I would become closer in kindred spirit to my Scottish heritage. I was wrong. I turned out at the Sea Cadets Hall for my first introduction with a local Pipe band. I was informed that the apprenticeship is long and requires considerable dedication. I can see that this would be an easier task if, for example, I was stationed on the North West Frontier of the old Empire and had nothing much else to do than learn the pipes and avoid getting shot by the rusty flintlock rifle of a local warlord. There must have been a fairly high turnover of military pipers as in most period war films they are usually the first casualties in a full out frontal attack. Perhaps the represented enemy was of the same opinion on the jarring tunefulness as myself and could stand it no longer.

Far from being let loose on any actual bagpipes I was loaned a practice chanter. This is the same size as a descant recorder but with less holes so surely, and again I state, less potential for a good range of tuneful notes. I was taught the first few fingering positions and how to blend in notes and phrases. Hardly a relaxing pastime in its early stages.

My pipedream of standing in full Highland regalia on a heather clad mountainside and playing an extensive repertoire of bagpipe anthems to, funnily enough, a group of Japanese tourists was never farther away than at that point.

I attended a few weeks only before giving up.

The chanter remained in a drawer for some further weeks before I had the nerve to return it to the owner. That was my one and only foray into the world of bagpipes.To add insult to injury I then found that I had grown out of my wedding kilt. 

I have not however been completely disowned by my people. Jim from Music in Scotland has kept me on his mailing list, my Jessie Rae picture disc CD of 'Over the Sea' is appreciating in cult status if not in actual value, I have a copy of the Visit Scotland background tune , I am still eligible to buy Tunnocks Snowballs and I have enyoyed free and unrestricted rights to enter and leave the country at will with no hassle at the border.

(This first appeared last year but I like it and so there........)