Taking Stock

This is the transcript of a comedy sketch by John Finnemore, an accomplished writer and performer who has enjoyed success in his own name and as a panellist and pundit on TV and Radio. It is clever in its idea and delivery and is entitled "Investment Manager"

Scene- two friends stand at the bar in a traditional English pub.

Same again?

Thanks Mate, cheers

Look we’re best mates aren’t we?

Of course we are

Okay, so I’m gonna ask you something now that I’ve been meaning to ask for years and years.

Am I going to like it?

No, its nothing really, its’s um well, you’re rich aren’t you?

I do alright

You’re rich, proper rich so the thing is, the question is , what is it that you do?

You know what I do, I’m an Investment Manager

Yeah, but what is that? What is it that you actually do?

I trade in securities, commodities and futures with other brokers around the world

But how does that make you rich? It all boils down to swapsies doesn’t it so if you and a guy in Tokyo do a swap of currencies, commodities or whichever then surely one of you must be doing better out of it than the other?

Sort of, yes

So one of you should be poorer but all Stockbrokers are rich even if some are doing worse swaps, you are still all rich

I don’t know

How can that be possible? It’s like making money out of nothing.

What, like Alchemy?

What?

Alchemy, turning base metals into gold.

Seriously?

It used to be taken very seriously indeed. Alchemy was a respected Profession with Guilds, laboratories. Isaac Newton wrote more about alchemy than he did about physics.

Why are you going on about alchemy?

I don’t know. It was just you talking about making money out of nothing. It just reminded me about something. If someone actually did it, you know, found a way to make gold out of tin what would he do with his discovery?

Make himself loads of gold?

Then he’s just weakening the supply. Gold is only valuable because it is rare. Turn tin into gold and you’re not going to make tin as valuable as gold but simply gold as cheap as tin.

He could Patent it and sell the invention

He could but there were so many alchemists in those days it would’t take very long for the rest of them to work out how and then you’re in the same situation. The markets would be flooded with gold and the invention is worthless.

So what would you do?

I would gather all the Guild of Alchemists together , tell them I’ve cracked it and agree to share the secret but only if they all swear to make only enough gold to make them rich and not devalue it.

If all the alchemists suddenly got rich then people would guess so the other condition would have to be that they would all agree to give up alchemy, let it die away and find some other profession.

What sort of profession?

Something associated with the supply of gold into the market. Something that everyone would take for granted as making people rich but at the same time too complex for anyone other than a qualified member of the Guild to understand. That way you could keep the system going for generations handing the secret down.

What would that be exactly?

Who knows? I’ll tell you a funny story though. Between 1780 and 1800 Alchemy almost entirely died out and the London Stock Exchange was formed in 1801.

So what?

Oh, nothing, I’m just rambling on. Another drink?

It is my round.

No, I’ll get them in. I made a bit of money today.