How I first met your Mother

When a relationship gets serious the prospect of meeting folk who look likely to be future in-laws can be quite a milestone and immensely daunting.

My first ever introduction to and meeting with my wife to be Allison's mother, Maureen was quite unusual.

She was crossing a deep trench on a plank at the back of her house.

It has always been a favourite double-entendre in the family that the first thing that Allison showed me on visiting her parents' home was her Father, George's ,back passage. It was a narrow, dark brick vaulted arrangement with long wooden ladders tidily stowed above head height behind secure outer and inner timber doors . What amazed me even more was that it was shared with the immediate neighbours with a reasonable right of way and use through it. That just about exhausts that line of humour.

As Allison led me into the walled yard beyond the passage I was faced with that deep trench. Being nervous I speculated to myself that it was perhaps one of a number of things;

1) An obstacle course to assess if I was good material for a son-in-law. A Brown family Krypton Factor.
2) An open grave as Maureen and George were very protective about their daughter.
3) A precaution against flooding in the pre-tidal barrier days
4) A Moat

As I approached the excavations Maureen came out from the back door and deftly negotiated a series of plank bridges over the trench  to greet me. In a complete invasion of personal space and etiquette, for a first meeting, she grabbed me firmly by both cheeks (facial) pinching a good deal of puppy fat jowl between thumb and index finger. I cannot recall if she gave me a kiss because the constriction on my breathing from that particular style of welcome was making me feel a bit dizzy and I could have been a million miles away. I feared that this was the first stage of getting me into that large hole in the ground.

As my facial muscles regained their handsome, youthful composure Maureen looked at Allison and exclaimed that I looked just like Howard Keel.  For a brief moment I had a picture in my mind's eye of the giant steel toothed assassin out of the Bond movies and felt that was a bit rude to draw attention to matters of an unfortunate bodily nature so early in the proceedings. I was thinking about the wrong Keel. The resemblance was because I was wearing a checked lumberjack shirt like Howard Keel, he of the male cast of 'Seven Brides for Seven Brothers' which it turned out was one of the best known performances of that particular American actor and singer. I was a bit disappointed as I fancied myself as having a resemblance to Robin Williams or Harry Enfield. Thank goodness, Maureen was talking about my clothes rather than my physical attributes as in that particular year Mr Keel was approaching 70 years old.

I think that we were both pretty nervous at the first meeting but we did hit it off immediately as though we had known each other for many years. Maureen explained that the trench was part of the foundations for her new kitchen and bathroom extension which I found reassuring, after my initial mental wanderings ,and could relax.

Within a couple of minutes I had been assimilated into the family marking the ceremony with a lovely cup of tea, the very first one in a series of, to date, many thousands. I had also experienced my very first moment of genuine warmth and unconditional love from Maureen that is very much a part of her whole being and is so cherished by those who are privileged to know her.

(Presented today on our 31st Wedding Anniversary. Where did the tine go?)