Smooth Operator

Builders are always disrespectful of the endeavours of other builders.

I have seen many a contractor tut-tutting and oh-no-ing when happening upon a piece of work by a fellow craftsman when they should really be holding up the honour and endorsing the respect of their vocation.

The language of criticism usually involves such phrases as "that should be 50 mill and not 35 mill", "I do not know how that wall is still standing", "what mix did they use, was it 3-4-3 or 4-2-4?" and "have they used self flanging spigots or self flagellating bigots".

Take the skill, or in reality the art form that is plastering.

It is a dying craft and I blame the high volume house builders who in the relentless pursuit of profit insist on an internal finish that is cheap and rapid hence the widespread use of dot and dab. This is where large sheets of plasterboard are pressed and adhered directly onto the inner leaf of a wall and then taped at the joints and skim finished before the wishy-washy pastel shade emulsion is applied.

A few years hence it was the time served plasterer who would prepare the wall for a slurry and render coat prior to applying, with the care and diligence of a champion cake icer, the ultra smooth and glossy sheen plaster.

The same attention is necessary to provide a beautifully smooth finish to a ceiling.

I had a local builder carry out some renovations a few years ago at my home. His best plasterer did a fantastic job in one of the rooms but then disappeared from the workforce to be replaced by the builder himself.

Some builders build and some are best at managing others who build. My builder was firmly in the latter category.

Unfortunately I did not realise this until our family dog tipped us off.

It was not a case of the dog keeping a close eye on proceedings when we were all out at work and then informing on poor practice.

The ultimate criticism was in the frantic scrambling sound of paws on a bare floor in the middle of the night in an attempt to escape the fracturing and falling away of a full, and only hours before ,plaster skimmed ceiling.

It turns out that the builder had forgotten to bond the old ceiling prior to his work.

Recently, my daughter did some volunteer work on a building project and was seconded to a plastering gang in the renovation of a Victorian terraced house for low cost accommodation.

One of the plasterers gave a master class in his art and passed on the wisdom and plain common sense on which he based his working life.

1. “It’s all about the edges.”

2. When the plaster’s on, you’re on the plaster’s time, not yours. So you can’t go for lunch at lunchtime if the plaster’s on.

3. Just slap the PVA glue on and the plaster will stick to the wall if you’re not plastering directly onto plasterboard.

4. It’s bloody messy.

5. Always clean the electric plaster mixer straight after you use it so that the plaster doesn’t dry on it and it becomes a pain in the arse to smash off the blades, which, if you do smash them up, they will then tear up your buckets.

6. Cut out the sparky’s cables afterwards - always leave it tidy for the next man. Even though some sparky’s can be proper c*nts and will leave massive cables dangling out of the wall.

7. Start working from top left to top right, then along the bottom upwards in long smooth strokes. That way you don’t get lines.

8. It wants to be the consistency of Angel Delight.

9. Don’t have your mouth open if you’re plastering ceilings.

10. The trowel is your most important tool. It’s an extension of your hand that makes all the money. So don’t leave it on the floor.