Double Jeopardy

I have been run over twice in my life, to date.

The circumstances of both running-overs were very similar which can be taken as an indication of either a freakish coincidence or just my failure to learn from the first time to avert the repeat on the second occasion.

In my defence I was not at all at fault at either time. I was a victim to the recklessness and inattention of the other parties .The collisions both took place in the dark and with me on my bicycle. The perpetrators were motorists.

My first assailant was quite a celebrity in that he had been the first person in the UK to win a legal action for loss of marital rights arising from an accident he had had a few years before. He did not, to his credit and character, attribute his careless driving on the night he met me head-on to the sad and mournful loss of his testicles as they parted company from the rest of his body. That is what apparently happened in the process of his undercarriage getting caught on the handlebars of his motorbike as he was thrown forward and clear after a shunt from behind. The thought of the pain and the later realisation of the tragic loss of a favourite organ did serve to mute my own discomfort at the time of my involuntary dismount. I had been fortunate in exiting sideways rather than up and over. In fact he was quite sympathetic to my plight and was more than prepared to drive me and what was left of my bike to any destination of my choice. I just wanted to get back home.

The second time was a lucky escape. I was in the middle of the road making a move to turn right into a junction lit up like  Blackpool Illuminations on wheels when a pair of car headlights approaching me suddenly developed into four abreast. The slow progress of a queue of vehicles along a series of slow bends had frustrated a following driver. The sight of a long and apparently clear straight road was the catalyst for him to stamp on the accelerator and take the line in one go. Unfortunately I was in his way and in full acceptance of getting hit by the overtaking car I just relaxed awaiting the inevitable impact. This action or rather inaction did, I am convinced, save my life. The driver only noticed me at the peak of his speed. His rapid deceleration amid screeching brakes and a long scorch mark on the tarmac meant that he hit me at about 30mph rather than 60mph. I rolled up his bonnet and in a foetal position, by chance and not intention, I smashed his windscreen with my upper shoulder before being thrown clear in the road. I expected another vehicle to hit me but everything, as they always say, had become grossly exaggerated in slow motion and then it was deathly quiet.

I cannot remember what happened between the impact and being bundled into an ambulance. I may have been a bit sarcastic to the driver whilst he looked on anxiously but possibly I give myself too much credit for being that lucid and clever-witted in the circumstances.

My bike had taken a good part of the impact and I was glad to have paid a bit more for a quality frame of tempered metal which had prevented me from being skewered by a set of inflexible steel tubes of a cheaper machine.

The paramedics were intent on taking me to the local Hospital but I insisted that apart from a bruised upper shoulder, a few pulled ligaments and the grief I felt for my bike I could be counted as the walking wounded. The ambulance, arriving at my parents house caused quite a stir and with the crushed, fractured and dismantled frame emerging first I can remember the look on my mother's face in expectation of what I would look like when I eventually got manhandled out of the back doors.

They say that those fit in body recover quickly from an injury that would lay other people up for a long time. I returned to work the next day. In hindsight that was a bad decision. The real victim of my accident turned out to be one of the car owners in the Municipal car park that day. My stiff shoulder prevented me from turning around and negotiating a proper reversing movement. In a sickening crash and tinkle of car body parts I careered into the vehicle.

What with excess payments and hire car costs the Insurance settlements for both events just about cancelled each other out.

I made a full recovery but sadly,I have never been able to replace that beloved bike.