Six Pack from Baden Powell

I must thank a lone reader of my blog today for somehow finding this archived piece from 2012. 

It is a satirical bit of writing in response to the British Government of that time, that David Cameron guy, proposing to send Cub Scouts into deprived and troubled inner city areas to show the youth from such places how to live a wholesome and civic minded existence.........................


I sincerely apologise to current and former Scouting members for my disrespectful attitude. I spent a wonderful few years in the movement culminating in attaining Chief Scouts Award. 

Uncle David, I think you will have seen this before but sorry again for the harsh sentiments for a much beloved and cherished organisation. 


The freshly washed and neatly attired members of St Chalfont by St Mary's Cub Scouts stared in disbelief out of the steamed up windows of the mini bus as it entered the London Borough of Hackney.

It was either a gross clerical error or perhaps the vindictiveness of a Civil Servant ,who had not reached the prestigious position of a Sixer, that had thrown the troop members from a leafy Surrey suburb into a war zone.

Little did their parents know or suspect what was instore for their beloved offspring as they had kerbed their 4 x 4's and German built executive saloons in the narrow lane adjacent to the Parish Church. It was just a short walk past the meticulously kept graveyard to the brand spanking new Scout Hut. The building had been purchased with the bequest of a former Leader of the St Chalfont by St Mary's Troop, or rather the deposited and interest accrued damages for wrongful arrest from an alleged  brand of spanking incident involving said person and two Girl Guide Leaders some time in the 1970's. Suffice to say, cooking chicken in a billie-can with a large amount of strong cider and on a particularly hot summers day had been frowned upon ever since.

The cub scouts, mostly bespectacled and swotty looking, were immaculately turned out in their uniforms. A glimpse at the great array of badges displayed on their thin, underdeveloped arms testified to an impressive record of acheivement. Closer scrutiny showed a bias towards the rather more pedestrian and non-physical activities of chess, drama, swimming, natural studies and cookery. This was not a crack unit prepared to take on the demands of an inner city secondment, far from it. The cub scout group were more at ease and indeed had been heralded for their ability to entertain the residents of the St Chalfont by St Mary's Nursing Home at critical dates in the calendar, meaning Easter, Bank Holidays and the Festive period.

They were also well regarded in providing help at Table Top Sales, the Annual Village Fete and could be relied to turn out in full uniform plus shiny shoes if any member of the Royal Family was scheduled to pass through on the High Street at any time, even upon short notice.

The inner city appointment was to consist of a stay over and one full day of an informative introduction to Scouting or under the buzz words of 'Taster Day' for twenty of the younger residents of a local authority tower block identified by their Social Workers as being possibly receptive to such. Their Youth Club had disbanded after the building had burnt down for a fourth time. Various initiatives of basket weaving, playing in sand and growing vegetables had gone disastrously wrong for all concerned.

The visit by St Chalfont by St Mary's Cub Scout Group was seen as the measure of last resort without a custodian or supervisory regime being introduced. The mini bus parked up at about tea time at the Neighbourhood Office of the Estate.

The welcome was full on.

A Steel band, street dancers, loud PA system, burger van and other food concessions either spicy or sweet in aroma lurched into action as the occupants of the bus reluctantly alighted. Such scenes were not entirely alien and disturbing to a good proportion of the cubs scouts who had, within the previous couple of years, holidayed with family in the Caribbean or had actually been to an amusement park in the United States to witness brashness and bad taste at first hand.

Suspicion and not a little apprehension came from the Hackney lads. They had been led to believe that their visitors were akin to the cast of The Expendables, able to skin an animal or build a bivouac without apparent effort. Initial thoughts from the selected deprived were that a bus carrying the cast of Billy Elliott had got lost on the inner ring road. Likewise, the cub scouts feared they had been drugged, abducted and transported to what looked like downtown Beirut.

Quickly the troop formed up into their Sixes and were applauded for this show of efficient para-militarism. Caps were on straight, shirts a bit creased from the bus ride but tidy, grey shorts remaining starched and pressed, white knee length socks and garters impeccable. Their bright shiny shoes dazzled all those assembled. In contrast the audience were mostly clad in hoodies, jogging bottoms and fluorescent trainers but not dissimilar in being a type of uniform.

The cubs were shown to their makeshift dormitory at the Neighbourhood Office and were all asleep by 9.30pm which resulted  in the scheduled barbecue, disco and dance-off competition being a bit of a damp squib.

A couple of the cubs were evacuated by helicopter during the night suffering from chronic homesickness.

Hopes for a midnight feast were cancelled out of fear of attracting attention from what sounded, to their unaccustomed tender ears, like a riot on the estate when it was just a normal evening in the Borough.

The first day went surprisingly well. The cooking of a healthy breakfast was demonstrated 'al fresco' although more of a continental style than a Full English. This was followed by a session at the Municipal baths where the cubs were seen to retrieve whole bricks from the deep end whilst in their pyjamas.

Lunch was a skillful display of knife skills in creating carrot and celery sticks, diced apple and other nutritious and budget type fare.

A five mile hike was commenced in the early afternoon after the cubs had partaken in a power nap but was abandoned within a few hundred yards due to acrid smoke drifting across the footpath from a torched stolen car. I-Spy Books in the possession of the Surrey contingent were hastily consulted but a burning Vauxhall Astra was not a point scoring item. A display of tracking was proposed. This rapidly disintegrated into a rescue of young boys from the boughs of trees after the Pit-Bulls and Rhodesian Ridgebacks which had been relied upon to leave a trail found alternative sport in pursuing screaming and hysterical individuals around the park.

The evening meal was a pre-cursor to a camp fire singsong. Hot dogs made from quorn sausages, Lasagne both meat and vegetarian options, quiche and vol-au-vents were magicked from nothing more than a Harrods Hamper. Health and Safety , or rather a bit of a run on the Borough Insurance Policy dictated that the camp fire consist of a light bulb with a draped piece of tinsel but the cubs gave a tremendous rendition of all the stock favourites. Most of the tunes were well known to the Hackney boys but their lyrics bore no resemblance to the official cub scout camp fire songbook in sentiment or downright politeness. There was a large accompanying fire after all when the petrol tank on the troop mini bus exploded as it stood unattended in preparation for the return journey.

It was not all one way in educational terms. The cub scouts had lived up to their motto of 'Be Prepared' by taking in everything they were shown and told by their hosts in the short time spent in the inner city environment.

St Chalfont by St Mary, the village, was soon to be afflicted by a bit of a crime wave. Thefts of lap tops and wallets from parked vehicles skillfully opened, stock going missing from the local shops during and after business hours, empty bottle and cans of strong alcohol deposited in the churchyard, prescription medecines being lost between pharmacy and Nursing Home.

The Constabulary were mystified by the crimes which only occurred every tuesday night. The youngsters of the affluent village were all accounted for on a tuesday being firmly resident in the scout hut and beyond all resonable suspicion.

Those approaching the premises through the churchyard may however have been surprised by the sound of a very loud and thumpy music system, empty packaging for various luxury goods and very raucous singing of camp fire songs in the style of those worst for wear from drink and drugs.