Christmas Crackers

It is one of those urban myths.

It is often quoted to instil fear into householders to dispose of their debris and rubbish in a proper manner.

In my personal experience I cannot say either way if it is true.

It is the alleged fact that we are, at any one time, within seven feet of a rat.

I would like to propose an alternative.

It is not necessarily one with any health implications.

On the basis of a little bit of seasonal research I would put forward the theory that we are never more than seven feet away from a novelty that originated in a Christmas Cracker.

This applies at any time of the year.

Have a look around in pockets, car ashtray or coin recess, the bottom drawer of the kitchen unit, a sideboard cupboard or in one of those old toffee tins that everyone has to keep loose change, spare keys and batteries.

The quality and type of item can vary significantly on a directly proportional basis to the cost of the box of crackers. I have seen adverts for offerings from Cartier and Rolex in cracker form or where romantic partners have secreted away an engagement ring or similar. Harrods sell a lot of £1000 boxes containing luxury leather goods, MP3 player, crystal ear rings and all manner of finery.

You cannot however better the standard crackers from the average supermarket.

In addition to the paper hat (tissue or holographic foil) and the often corny to the point of genius joke or saying is the novelty item.

I count on the Christmas period to replenish my supplies of miniature screwdrivers, tape measure, torches, Allen key collection, key rings, measuring spoons and opaque but functional magnifying glass.

I am not that bothered about hairbrushes, comb sets, grips and ties and they can go into the unceremonious pile of discarded goods which always feature in the middle of the dinner table. These are picked over in the coming days together with sewing kit, balloons, pencil erasers, gonks and smurfs, rigid joke moustache, dice, miscellaneous figurines, Mister Men, water pistols and joke squirty flowers, watches, toy cars, brooches and other jewellery. I especially like the clip on ear-rings even if they are a bit dodgy and not at all ones that a pirate would be seen out in.

Games and puzzles are mainstay features. I like the small brightly coloured plastic mazes with tiny, weeny ball bearing and those stainless steel links and hoops to coax or more likely wrestle into separate parts.

A pack of playing cards can be almost guaranteed.

Noisy items usually include whistles from police to bird and swanny , harmonica, kazoo, football rattle and jews harp.

For the more artistic temperament regular cracker fillers include a set of lead pencils, retractable ball point pen, one of those multi coloured thick barrelled pens, small etch a sketch, slate and pen, wax crayons and felt tip pens, painting sets and a pack of plasticene for modelling.

Hong Kong and latterly China will have been in overdrive for much of the preceding months in churning out plastic novelties and those on the production line may well believe the political teachings on the decadence and materialism of the western world just on the crap that fills up an old toilet roll tube, wrapped in sparkly paper and a bit of ribbon.

They must be completely mystified by the shoe horn.