I transcribed it from a re-run on BBC Four Extra inspired by the sight of a Model T Ford Car in a local car park just today.
The sketch starts off with a narrative from Kenneth Horne (KH) and the others are Bill Pertwee as Charlie (C) and Hugh Paddick as Mr Larksmoor (ML)
On Friday I was driving to the BBC when my car developed a mechanical defect and so I drove it into the nearest garage.
(KH) Good Morning, I wonder if you can help me?
(C) Certainly Sir, the scrap metal yard is in the next street
(KH) Don't be rude about my car, it just wants a little attention, that's all
(C) I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that model. I've only been in the trade since 1927. I'd better call the Guv'nor. (shouts) Mr Larksmoor
(ML) Coming Charlie. What appears to be the trouble? Hello, here Charlie, nip inside and ring the Police. That car's been stolen from the Victoria and Albert Museum.
(C) No it hasn't Sir, it's his, an old crock
(ML) So's the car. Morning Sir, you're a bit off course ain't you? The others will be in Brighton by now.
(KH) I'm not on the London to Brighton run. Now then, will you kindly find out what's wrong with it. I think its something to do with the clutch. Every time I change gear the chain flies off the ratchet.
(ML) All right Charlie, let's have the bonnet up.
(C) Ooh, lumme Mr Larksmoor, just look at the engine. I bet that burns a bit of coke
(ML) Hello, what's this? You've got a leak in your radiator
(KH) A leak? I know I was touring Wales the other week and they gave it me as a souvenir
(C) Hey, just a minute. I think I've found something, oh yes, there's a fault here in the ignition system.
(KH) What is it?
(C) The candle's gawn out
(KH)What did you say?
(C) I said the candl....(interrupted by ML. Quiet you fool, we're not here for our health)
(ML) Well Sir, I'm afraid this is rather serious. There's definite signs of a major deterioration in the suction intake output causing severe reverberation in the crankshaft casing.
(KH) Oh, what does that mean?
(ML) About Fifty Pounds
(KH) Fifty Pounds? I've been offered that for the car.
(ML) Well, I'm afraid that's our price Sir
(KH) Who were you thinking of getting to do the work- Lord Nuffield?
(ML) No, (laughing), Lord Nuffield.................................... He only does weekends.
Look Sir, I tell you what I'll do. For the same money I'll trim the wicks on your headlamps and give you a free 900,000 mile service.
(KH) No!
(C) Mr Larksmoor. Could I make a suggestion?
(ML) If it's an expensive one, yes.
(C) Well. I was going to suggest the gentleman might buy a new car
(ML) Charlie, this is your finest hour. You've justified all my faith in you. I did the right thing when I stood bail for you. Charlie Boy, pop and get a couple of brochures.
(C) Right-o Mr Larksmoor
(KH) Look here, I don't want a new car. This one's perfectly sound
(MH) Beggin' your pardon, with all due respect but if you was to give that car a good kick....like so...............(crash, bang, wallop, metallic ring) well the whole thing would fall to pieces........................hasn't it!
(KH) Well, yes, well, that doesn't prove anything. I mean look at this new Super Deluxe 1959 Model car. If I gave it a good kick like so...............(nothing)
(ML) Hey, hey, I told you Sir..........................(then crash, bang, wallop- metallic ring).
Oh, just a lucky kick Sir. Probably a faulty one but you just try the same with the others.
(huge crashing, banging and walloping sound going on for minutes)
(KH) Well?
(ML) You was right Sir. It applies to every model we've got in stock. Just look at the debris
(C) Oh Mr Larksmoor. I've got the brochures. Blimey, have you had a lady driver in here?
(ML) Charlie, you any good at jigsaws.
(KH) Well, I'd better be getting along now. I'll pick up my car later.
- THE END -
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