Helter Skelter

Yep, I wrote this a few years ago now and it does get a run out every first week in October..................

Hull Fair is a festival for the City.

It is magnificent that the travelling week long Fair retains its status as the largest of its type in Europe and possibly the world.

There are many challengers but I can confidently say that the people of Nottingham in particular have had a fair goose-ing again this year based on the 2019 Hull Fair.

I was going to write about the Fair from an historic and reflective aspect. Something like, for the 18th Century;

"I drove my beast and fowl all the way along the Anlaby Road Turnpike for to sell and trade on the showground but got turned away by the Police Community Support Officers and then incurred a penalty fine for inappropriate use of the bus lane for herding"

or, 19th century ;

"I travelled to the fairground by hansom cab, cost me a silver shilling which is outrageous profiteering, and  proceeded to have my frock coat, gaiters and spats ruined by the many puddles on the rough landed area. Subsequently and to my horror my top hat fell off on the Waltzers and I got stir fry noodle stains and Bratwurst on my Irish linen shirt front"

or popular 20th Century;

"I was at the fair in my full Teddy Boy gear cruisin' and a-bruisin' for a bust-up when a large group of Emo's approached and made me feel quite melancholy and gawdily over dressed. They always look so clean and stylish or..........my Bay City Roller scarf, tied tightly around my wrist got snagged on the top of the junior roller coaster and I had to be cut free and rescued by the emergency services"

and, finally, current 21st century;

"We went, yeah, on the rides, ok, yeah and it was minging, yeah because Chazzer right, tried to take a piccy, yeah,  on his i-phone but wicked, right his mam tagged him, yeah and, right,he had to go back to the school, right, yeah to teach a year 12 class, yeah, LOL. Catch us on Facebook or Twitter"


I opted, however, for a more socio-economic approach mainly because there have been many letters sent to the local press in criticism of how, in dire times of credit crisis and cut backs, people still have disposable income to lavish on the attractions of the Fair.

Let me be clear on my position on this.

The week of Hull Fair is as set in stone in the family calendar, outlook express and text alerts as nothing else apart from Easter and Christmas and is therefore budgeted for.

In the weeks prior to the arrival of the Fair there is a noticeable shortage of 2p's and 10p's in the local economy because they have been secreted away for the slots and falls.

Small children are subversively indoctrinated with Peppa Pig and Toy Story so that they are more than thrilled to be bought a foil based inflatable of their favourite characters.

Menfolk frequently disappear to their sheds to practice throwing darts at playing cards stuck onto odd pieces of melamine kitchen worktop.

The Atkins or other high protein diets are accelerated in preparation for being surrendered to a polystyrene tray of Bob Carvers's gritty chips, mushy peas and a pattie.

Teenagers are seen stretching themselves from door frames or on the climbing apparatus at the reccy lest they fail to reach the minimum height for going on the Hammer of Thor, Upside-Downie, round and roundie Mega ride.

The Fair is for all ages and it is perfectly possible to pass a few hours there with little or no expenditure other than a paper wrapped packet of Wrights of Brighouse brandy snap and a past best sell by date pomegranate.

The whole event is about atmosphere. It is a collective enjoyment of a heritage and feeling shoulder to shoulder with fellow citizens who are also having a difficult time making ends meet or have an unopened letter on their kitchen table from their employer which is just too hard to get around to opening because, odds on, it is not a thank you and a hard earned and fully justified bonus.

That is just not plain fair. There are not many things, after all, in our modern lives, that are.