Pooch

I just had to ask the question didn't I.

I should have just kept quiet and got on with my job.

It is always the same when I visit a house that belongs to a dog with a family.

I do like dogs, in fact I infinitely prefer them to other domestic pets, especially cats who are cold and devious. Don't waste my time trying to justify the existence of stick insects, hamsters or guinea pigs.

On arrival the humans in the property establish if I am alright with dogs.

If I can hear a growling and snapping my entrance is inevitably delayed until the hound or pack are moved into the back garden or kitchen. The rest of my time in the house is a game of hide and seek, dodge and weave, scratch and sniff.

Other dogs which are described as 'friendly' can mean anything from an attempted copulation with your trousered leg to jumping up and down to face level, getting under your feet or just burying their snout into the groin area. If a dog finds me particularly interesting in terms of odour and scent and just hangs around for the duration I make a mental note to get my suit dry cleaned at the next opportunity.

My most useful skill hearkens from a television series back in the 1980's when the trainer Barbara Woodhouse demonstrated a three finger tickling action which, on the chest of most canines induces a sort of trance-like state. Of course there is the sheer uncertainty involved in trying this out on a strange animal particularly as the sensitive area is within easy dribbling and therefore biting distance.

I have had mixed success with this action. Some breeds are easy to placate with the stroking motion but then roll over and expect to have their tummy tickled as well. Others succumb to the calming motion but as soon as you stop they go absolutely mad, running willy nilly through the house causing a mixture of anxiety and embarassment amongst the human occupants. One large and comical Basset Hound became so relaxed that it wet itself and flooded the kitchen floor. I felt bad at the time but laughed a lot afterwards and for a few days as well upon recounting the tale to anyone who would listen.

Getting up close and friendly with large, drooling dogs can be problematic. Boxers and St Bernards are great producers and exporters of that sticky residue that is dog phlegm and sputum. It is quite difficult to fully remove that distinctive body fluid odour even after specialist cleaning.

Anyway, back to the unfortunate asking of that question.

It was necessary because the dog that came to check me out from behind the settee in my first house call of the day was of a somewhat disturbing appearance.

I am politically incorrect in just about everything else in life but pride myself on being tolerant and open minded when it comes to cross bred dogs. Our own rescue dog, Elsie, a terrier cross was the most perfect pet and companion that you could hope for. As a puppy taken on from the RSPCA we were always speculating on her ancestry in the first weeks with us. Her huge paws and wiry long haired coat seemed a bit like an Airedale. Markings were a bit German Shepherd and the short but slim snout a bit Weimaraner.

When fully grown she was just normal size and tended to get overlooked in favour of our other dog, a German Pointer with arguably better pedigree although Toffy's dad was a grumpy and rather randy labrador.

The initially scary animal coming towards me lolloped along on short stubby legs supporting and pulling along a strangely elongated and low slung body. The head was oversized and therefore not in the expected proportions to go with the physique. It did however have a kindly expression and as though apologetic about itself was quiet and not at all imposing or overpowering.

In asking the question I at first took a deep breath so as not to sound startled or anxious or worst still speak with a hysteric squeeky, girly voice.

The human occupant of the house referred to the dog as a Pekepoo.

I at first thought that this was a medical condition that afflicted the unfortunate hound. I speculated that given the distance likely between its stomach and bowels in that very drawn out body there may be problems associated with doing its business.

It turns out that the name indicated a breeding, experimental obviously, between a Pekinese and a Poodle. I fully intended to read Scripture to see if any great sin had been committed by allowing this to have happened, or at least check with the relevant authorities.

The poodle is, by all accounts, either very promiscuous or just at the mercy of owners and breeders intent on playing their own game of creation. I am not entirely sure on the ethical or moral aspects of this.

On undertaking a bit of wider research the combinations of poodle based cross breeding are seemingly endless. In addition to my introduction to the Pekepoo there are also such things as Cockapoo's (Cocker Spaniel and Poodle), Bossi Poos (Boston Terrier cross) and the mind boggling, from a practical conception point, amalgamation of a huge, hairy Newfoundland and a small and rather delicate poodle, called a Newfypoo.

My favourite must however be the Yorkipoo.

The use of poo may seem to cheapen the mix and match process and so other plays on words are in use. Airedoodle (Airedale cross), Labradoodle (self explanatory), Cadoodle (Collie cross) and English Boodle (Bulldog cross).

The end results of this programme of genetic engineering may be much loved pets in many family homes and deserving of a good and comfortable life.

I do feel strongly that the singular character and personality of the well known breeds has however been irrevocably damaged.

Take the two mainstays of horror films, thrillers and action movies and imagine how you would feel about being chased and in peril of losing your goolies in a strong gripping action of teeth and sinews by a Rottle or a Doodleman Pinscher.