Sunday 17 August 2014

Jack Bauer and misappropriation of Government Property

Very few people get to live out their fantasies. 

It does not have to be anything elaborate or even fantastic but in the mind of the individual it can be the most crucially important thing in their lives. 

I am fortunate in that I can assume the role of one of my heroes in the simple act of wearing a single item on my person. No, I do not cavort around with my pants over my trousers imitating Superman, well it was just the once and charges were not pressed on the basis that it was an aberration of my otherwise unremarkable character. 

I cannot stand the feel of even a pair of sunglasses perched on my nose and so a Batman mask is out of the question. There are just too many in the Superhero category to mention along with their own costumes and traits. 

My bit of hero worship is a simple thing, a drab-olive coloured khaki shoulder bag. 

It has the full title of a Tactical Gear Bag and many an army quartermaster would be able to reel off what items could be reasonable carried amongst the two large front pouch pockets, two slimmer flanking pockets, cavernous main part, inner zipper compartment and in two loop fasteners on the front flap. 

The versatility and durability of the TGB came to my attention when used by the Counter Terrorist Unit (CTU) operative, Jack Bauer (played by Keifer Sutherland) in the long running and cult TV series of "24". 

Of course he used it in its proper role in the carrying of an arsenal of weaponry, communications equipment, surveillance devices, his PDA by which his team at CTU headquarters kept him up to date with latest intelligence and many other classified bits of kit. 

Anyone who has followed "24" through its nine series will know the capabilities of Jack Bauer. 

He is, at heart, a family man but when faced with a credible threat to the Yoo-Ess-of-A from whatever source he can leap into action and you have just feel sorry for the baddies who dare to menace, attempt to extort or just mess about with the nation and people he is sworn to protect. 

Getting hold of a Tactical Gear Bag was a bit of a mission in itself. 

There are plenty of them available through the massive media and merchandising arm of the "24" franchise, even bearing the distinctive emblem of CTU but they are a bit sanitised and only a pale imitation of the real thing. 

I was not persuaded to part with the $30 plus shipping for what was nothing more than a gimmick. I could see that such a bag would easily fall apart when loaded with anything more than a pack of mints. 

I trawled the internet for something more genuine and authentic. 

It had to be military issue, army surplus or a second hand trade from a serving or demobbed member of the US Forces. 

It took some time to track down a prospective purchase. Jack Bauer would be proud of my dedication to the task of sourcing the item, but of course he would not show it. He might get his assistant Chloe to send me a congratulatory text by proxy. I would be perfectly happy with that. 

From my PC I communicated with a Seller deep in the heart of America. I could imagine a dark back room in a dark backwards town where white supremacists and survivalists obtained whatever they required to feel supreme and survive. 

It would be a seedy little spot or alternatively, a slick hypermarket type operation with daily Manager's Specials on ammo, personal protection, tinned goods and radiation sickness pills. Children would be enticed to join the National Rifle Association with six free shots using a handgun at the outline of an obvious but not openly mentioned Black President. 

I was pleased not to have to make verbal or other contact with my source in placing the order for my very own TGB. It was the equivalent of £12 including shipping. If price were an indicator of quality I should be worried, very worried but when the package arrived some 7 days later I could not have been more pleased with the service provided. 

I did not leave an endorsement to that effect in case it put me on a 'watch-list' of the FBI or my details were traded with our home based security organisations. 

I have had the bag for some 6 years now and it has never failed to perform beyond the call of duty. The sturdy shoulder strap is rivetted as though part of an aircraft wing structure. The 100% cotton covering, made in India, looks as good as new even though it has been in many a tight situation in terms of weather, crowds and stuffed under the seat of a train or bus.

Whilst eminently practical it is a piece of fashion history, well I think it is although others have scoffed and asked if I knew that the war had ended some years ago and carrying of a gas mask was no longer compulsory. 

I often dip back into Season 5 of "24" for tips and hints on wearing and making best use of the TGB and Jack Bauer is a good role model for this. 

The bag and me are inseparable. 

I used it just this afternoon on my mission to get the shopping in for tea. 

It easily swallowed up two packs of steaks, a garlic bread, a four pack of ginger beer, bag of stir fry, two fishcakes, two punnets of mushrooms, can of lucozade fizzy orange and a 2kg bag of spuds. 

Not that he would ever misuse the bag for his own domestic purposes but I can well imagine the gravelly tones of my hero Jack contacting base with the message "Chloe, send me a recipe on my PDA".

No comments: