Housey Housey

I find it a constant source of amusement and bemusement that owners of new houses re-stlye them to look olde and rustic and conversely owners of old houses go for an ultra-modern look.

There can be some quite striking effects of this irrational process but at the same time some right shockers.

Examples of the best and worst of this genre do come to mind. On the way to Spurn Point, that fragile spit of land just hanging out and surviving the relentless action of the North Sea, there is an old mid Victorian farmhouse.

On passing on the way to Spurn there is nothing remarkable about the squat, rustic brick and pantile building.It is what it was intended to be. However, on the return trip and with a fresh viewpoint the west side of the house glints and dazzles with a two storey full height glass atrium (I will not cheapen the effect by calling it a conservatory). The orientation of this structure gives a full 30 mile vista down the estuary, Humber Bridge like two sticks and a piece of string in the mid distance and the rising steam and acid rain inducing discharge from the West Yorkshire power stations on the curved horizon. The contrast between old and new is fantastic. Any aesthetic qualities of this fine example are more than cancelled out by attempts at rustification of a modern house.

I have spent many hours inspecting and identifying beamed ceilings in newly built houses as to whether they perform any actual structural role or are very faithful and authentic reproductions, including woodworm holes and trails, but in expanded polystyrene from B and Q. The rule, through my observations, is that the smaller the house the higher the actual proportion of attempts at imitation and mimickry of old features.

In some small way, the homeowners perpetrating these crimes are trying to recall things they have seen and themselves marvelled at in their own memories. There has been an onslaught and eradication of many traditional features in the housing stock which were commonplace even up to 20 years ago. Trends are pushed and pushed by magazines and TV shows. I am evidently in the minority as my home does not have any Travertine tiles anywhere, no fruit bowl shaped glass wash hand basins, no walk through wet room, an absence of a resin saturated pebbled floor or fifty inch wall mounted Plasma screens in each and every room including the loo.

I would like to promote the return to the UK housing stock of the following endangered features found in my travels. (actual locations in italics)
1) Sword Cupboard. A tall, slim alcove built storage facility adjacent to the fireplace to take blade and accoutrements. Also of similar dimensions to take a baseball bat but not a Samurai sword. Potentially useful to dry damp umbrellas. (Cottingham, Hull)
2) Sedan Chair House. A double doored integral compartment straight onto the street and linked to the house for seamless alighting from mobile chair to armchair. Easily suited to take a quad bike or jet-ski but not quite wide enough to allow full 360 degree circulation of a pool table.(Newbegin, Beverley)
3) Worktop Bath. Hidden under the kitchen preparation surfaces, an enamelled or even a tin bath revealed upon hinged operation of the worktop. Hot water taken directly from the sink taps. Allows bathing and potato peeling to be undertaken simultaneously. Also strong social benefits as the family bathtime and mealtimes can be combined. Also suitable for tie and dye.(Garden Village, Hull)
4) Bedroom ledge. A narrow platform of nose height clearance to the ceiling above a sleeping person accessible from the living room from a wooden ladder. Straw bedding optional. Creates additional space where there is a reasonable floor to ceiling height. Has been mimicked in London under the description of 'crash pad'. (Hotham, East Yorkshire)
5) Millrace. A natural stream or man made channel of water is directed through the main living area and is used to rotate turbines for self sufficiency in power. A bit noisy and damp but allowing intermittent capture of fresh fish. A bit of a conversation piece for visitors.(North Cave, East Yorkshire)
6) Dovecote. Every house should have one. White painted and ornate with multiple perching platforms to entice birds to rest. Internal honeycomb of roosting positions. When fully occupied by plump birds, rotate on pivot to close up the openings. Commence slaughter of captured birds, pluck, gut and place in freezer. (Village Farm, Bainton)
7) Meat hooks. Mount sinister looking barbed metal spikes into ceiling. Use for hanging of roadkill, aforementioned plump birds or drying out of training shoes. Also suitable for scaring young children.(Withernwick, East Yorks)
8) Rainwater Reservoir. A very deep, brick lined and sealed underground chamber fed by house downpipes.Sealed under large yorkstone slab in back garden. Pump attached to extract water for gardening, car washing and dolly tub. Also suitable as impromptu shelter against nuclear attack but not, obviously, flash flooding.(Winestead, Holderness)
9) Ballroom. A must for every house. Large room with specially sprung wooden floor, arched stained glass windows and chandelier. Glitter ball optional. Well suited for family dancing sessions or Zumba. May be misappropriated by menfolk for siting of pool table.(Southfield, Hessle)
10) Look-out. Small tower structure at highest point of the house roof. Orientated to give views of main road to spot return home of family members, intercom link to kitchen. Optional ball bearing gun mount to fend off apple scrumpers, double glazing or external coating salespersons and religious callers.(Blaydes House,High Street, Hull)
11) Moat. Works very well as secondary line of defence with item 10) above or as feeder stream for 5). Can also be useful as income source through charging Local Authority for disposal of dangerous waste . Not ideally suited for Koi.(Wressle, East Yorkshire)
12) Ice house. Cone shaped brick superstructure with deep chamber and shute to receive deliveries of large blocks of ice or 1000 bags of Sainsbury's ice cubes. Can double up as guest accommodation for Icelandic or Norwegian relatives or arctic-themed weddings (Cherry Burton, East Yorkshire)
13) Mausoleum/ Family Vault/Pet Cemetery . Useful facility to save on travel. If there are problems with sourcing ice blocks for 12) above then could be a shared use of the Ice house for this purpose. (Halsham, Holderness)
14) Resident Poltergeist. Can be blamed for accidental spillages or strange after-dark noises. (Brandesburton, East Yorkshire)
15) Living room garage. Take the front off your house and fit an up and over garage door and ramp. This will allow a car to be driven directly into your lounge for comfort and convenience. Wind down windows make a good serving hatch onto the kitchen. No need to get out of the car to unload shopping bags which is justification enough for such a drastic alteration to a perfectly good house. (Alliance Avenue, Hull)