Saturday morning. No specific date. Somewhere in the UK.
After a few very bright and warm starts to previous days I awoke this morning to more of a typical seasonal chill. That overcast sky, a light breeze and a coolness in the air sets your senses alive.
The downside is that in such an invigorating atmosphere there is a compulsion for men to do some chores.
I filtered through the main criteria.
a) Something that could be done indoors and in my pyjamas.
b) Not too challenging to prevent watching TV
c) An activity done standing up
d) High satisfaction level.
In a sort of mental pie chart I ringed the respective segments of all the requirements. It brought me to one conclusion only; a bit of ironing.
Men should really relish the task of doing some ironing. It involves some technical skill in operating a complex and sometimes unruly apparatus, an eye for detail, problem solving when trying to create smooth and regular surfaces, application of controlled strength and the ultimate achievement of taking a task over from her indoors with the earning of some brownie points and potential domestic credits to go towards the assuaging of guilt when attending a football match or similar activity.
Confronted with a basket full of clothes for ironing can be intimidating but with careful pacing and progress this can soon be tackled. This encourages discipline and patience.
There is also the opportunity to catch up with a backlog of TV or a DVD from that list of "intended movies to watch but never have the time".
The choice of viewing for this mornings session was easy. Star Wars-Return of the Jedi.
Now, when ironing, the powers of observation, perhaps lacking in the male of the species, are accentuated as are all of the senses . Even after having watched that film on countless occasions since it came out in 1983, at least once or twice a year , I began to notice a number of fairly schoolboy errors that the Empire unwittingly exposed itself to which led, ultimately to its downfall. Of course, hindsight is a wonderful gift but there were very serious flaws in the design and administrative functions of the Empire which should have been picked up by at least Darth Vader if not the Emperor himself. In no particular running order these include;
1) Fitting of rear view mirrors to Imperial Speeders
The speeder is a wonderful piece of kit. A cross between a dragster and a Harley Davidson. Good riding position and with a long reach and upright handlebar and primary control set up. It is very manouvreable in forested areas such as Endor and fast. However, when battling with the Rebel Alliance there can be a tendency to physically turn and glance back at a vanquished foe leaving a significant risk of careering into an upturned clump of tree roots. The reasonably straight forward task of bolting on rear view wing mirrors would allow a degree of gloating for a chalked up death of an enemy whilst ensuring safe, high velocity forward movement.
2) Secondary entrances to underground control bunkers.
The large complex to generate the defence shield for the new Imperial Space Station was safely secreted below the surface of the forests of Endor. It was very well guarded and nigh impregnable by rebel forces. That was until an Ewok happened to mention to Han and Leia's assault team that there was a back door. The reason for this is not at all clear or explained. Furthermore, the master control to the door could technically be susceptible to infiltration by an R2-D2 Unit, widely known to be sympathetic to the rebel alliance.
3) No anti- Ewok measures on Imperial equipment.
The Ewok's, cuddly to look at but no doubt determined flea infested and smelly creatures were wholly underestimated and indeed ignored by the Imperial Forces in their occupation of Endor. As small as children the Ewok's could have been easily contained using many items purchased from Mothercare such as anti-child door catches, stair gates, reins, by confiscation of bows and arrows, slings and an embargo on using logs and tree trunks as improvised weapons.
The ease in which an impulsive Ewok stole one of the Speeders and others got into one of the AT-ST's was easily preventable with a stout locking mechanism.
4) Better familiarisation for Stormtroopers on Ewok ways
As covered in point 3) above the Ewoks were not considered to be a danger. With ignorance comes fear and even with the battle on Endor seemingly winnable by the Imperial Troops they were seen to be running away in a blind panic when confronted by a rowdy, visually intimidating but still disorganised and silly counter attack. A Stormtrooper placing a firm hand on the top of the head of an Ewok at arms length has effectively subdued and frustrated his enemy. I was frankly surprised that the Ewoks were carniverous on the basis of their attempt to barbecue Han Solo. A determined approach by the Empire to winning the hearts and minds of the indigenous Ewoks with food parcels and improved cooking utensils will have paid dividends very quickly. Remember, the Ewok nation only sided with the Rebels because Leia happened to have a snack bar as an offering and the little creatures clearly associated food with friendship.
5) Improved armour for troops and equipment
The ease in which rocks, boulders, vine woven ropes, arrows and timber crafted weaponry decimated such an accomplished military force was worthy of an enquiry at the very highest level. The emphasis on lightness and speed in the design and assembly of vehicles and body armour which had served the Empire well in their other theatres of war was not appropriate to Endor. The installation of a simple roll cage in the AT-ST will have served to deflect a double trunk attack. Kevlar vests and groin guards worn underneath the distinctive white uniforms of the Stormtroopers will have prevented piercing by the crude airborne armaments. A heavier grade of helmet would deflect the sticks and stones hurled by the furry attackers.
6) Forward Planning
A single shield generator without a back up and when the new improved Death Star was not self sufficient in shield generation was a major oversight. The Emperor is clearly to blame in that his own Imperial State Rooms were fully completed and furnished with no expense spared and yet other primary functions were behind schedule. There is invariably trouble when a Despot takes charge of projects because they often lack the managerial and organisational skill to prioritise issues. beyond those required to satisfy a massive ego.
Engrossed in the combination of film and ironing the time flew by.
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