Plug in and Play

This is my rough transcript from the 1960's by the dynamic comedy writing team of Galton and Simpson of an episode of "Steptoe and Son".

This is entitled "The Bath" and the scene opens with old man Albert enjoying a moment of luxury in his bath.

His son, Harold has returned from his rounds in the local area as a Rag and Bone Man. (Albert's dialogue in italics)

What you doing?

I'm having a bath.

What day is it? It's not your birthday is it? Why do you have to have a bath tonight, of all the days you could've picked what do you want to have gone and picked tonight for?

What's going on tonight then?

I told you this morning. I've got a bird coming round tonight. Delia. I've asked her round for a cocktail before we go down the Bingo. It ain't customary for birds to meet a blokes' father in the bath.
You'll just have to get out Dad.

I've only just got in.

Well, you'll have to get out again won't you. There's no point in arguing about it. I don't want Delia to see my father stuck in front of the fire in a tin bath. People don't live like this any more Pater, not in tin baths in the front room. Those days is gone.

If you're ashamed of your home what do you want to ask her back here for?

I told her not to expect a palace but I didn't say anything about dirty old men in the bath in front of the fire in the dining room. I mean it brings the whole tone of the place down straight away. There's a social stigma these days. You might as well have the horse sitting in the armchair and be done with it. Surely you do see my point of view Dad? Look, when I introduce her to you and you shake hands well whether you sit down or stand up it's gonna be rude either way isn't it?

I'm not getting out 'till I've finished my bath. When's she coming?

About a quarter of an hour. Do you reckon you'll be finished by then?

I might be, if you give me a hand.

You're not being very helpful are you? Alright, what do you want me to do?

Go and fetch another kettle of hot water. It's a bit parky in here. Go on. it's on the gas.

Alright, but hurry up.

Might as well make myself comfortable. Dinner. Beer, pickled onions, whoops, I've dropped them in the bath. I'll fish them out. What a whopper that onion is.

You dirty old man. What are you doing?

I'm having me dinner.

What are you doing with those onions?

They fell in the water.

Well, you don't put them back in the jar.

You don't think I'm gonna leave them in the water do you? I can't wash with a bath full of pickled onions can I?

You shouldn't be eating your dinner in the bath. A bath is for washing in. You wash in the bath and you eat at the table. You have got some filthy habits. You're getting worse. Give me them.

Here. You should try one of these onions they're lovely. There's another one down here by my feet.

I don't want it. Throw it away. Not on the floor

You're getting very finnicky all of a sudden.

I'm finnicky? When it comes to things like this I'm finnicky? You wouldn't have told me about those onions.  They'd have been in your bath water. You'd have sat there and watch me eat them. You'd have said nothing.

It wouldn't do any harm, a bit of soap and water. They were only in for a couple of seconds.

What's that got to do with it? I don't see your reasoning. Look what it says on the label. Pickled onions in vinegar, not soap and water. To fish pickled onions out of your bath and put them in their jar is an act of extreme dirtiness, Now hurry up. Get out of that bath. Delia will be here soon.

I've not had my pudding yet.

Never mind about your pudding. C'mon, hurry up.

Don't tell me to hurry up. You're the one who's always telling me to have a bath. I'm stopping in until I've finished. I don't like getting out of the bath. Makes you shiver. Put that kettle of water in.Ahhhh, you did that on purpose. It went all over my knees.

Serves you right. You shouldn't have your knees poking out.

You scalded my knees. Hot water like that could kill an old man like me

Could it?

Yes.

Hang on. I'll go and put the kettle on again.

Ooh. That's better. It's circulating around again. Pass my pudding over.

Here you are. In the bath. I'm going to get ready.

I've nothing to wipe my knife and fork on. Never mind. I'll swill them around in here.

That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

Switch on the telly.

You're not sitting here all night watching telly.

Why not? I always watch telly in me bath.

Hurry up. Get a move on. I wanted to have a bath before Delia got here but there's no time now. By the time I've boiled up enough water in this kettle it'll be midnight.

You could get in here after me

Oh, that's right. Oh yes. I'll come out of there dirtier than when I got in. Hurry up.If you're not out of there by the time I'm ready I'll tip you out on the floor. Now what shall I wear?

Pass the bath salts over.

Pass the what over?

The bath salts. No harm in smelling nice. I like smelling nice. If you want me out of the bath you'll bring me my bath salts and shut up.

Alright then, Salts.......salts. Ooh. Jasmine. Oh yes. That is very you, yes, Eastern that is. Jasmine bath salts. A tin of scouring powder that's what you need.

Hey, stop throwing them bath salts all over me hat. Leave me alone. You ought to see a Doctor. Go and get ready.

Anything else I can do for you o' wise one?

Yes, you can hang up these pants for me.

Oh this is the last straw. There is no excuse for this sort of thing. How can you wash your underwear in the bath? Look, I know we haven't got a washing machine but there are launderettes. Take them down to the Launderette.

I can't. They're the only pair I've got and I aint sitting in the launderette with no pants on. Oh no, mate. You hang them up. I want them to be dry by the morning.

Give them here.Ugh. Oh really Father, you are revolting.

These bath salts don't half take a long time to dissolve. They're hard to sit on. Come and give my back a scrub Harold.

Now be quiet.

I only want me back scrubbed. I had to do everything for my old dad. I had to carry him everywhere. That's the sort of son I want.

Alright. I'll scrub your back for you. Come on, give me that soap...... a good lather.

Aargh, aargh, you're killing me

Next time it'll be wire wool

You've taken the skin off my back. What have I done to deserve a son like you ?

(Delia is knocking at the door)

Get out and up to bed.

I can't move

Take this towel. Why do all your towels have ruddy great holes in them?

I'll get you one day

Don't tell me you're having a bath with your socks on.

I'll get you.......and don't forget my cocoa.


The scene continues in further cringeworthy madness and mayhem.