The Two Donny's

The two figures beckoning to me across the inner city street were in no way menacing.

In fact, I thought at first that they were lost and approaching me for directions to some venue where their very smart, suited and booted attire would fit in just nicely.

They were both in their early twenties, clean shaven and when the first of them spoke it was in a languid, American accent. The noise of the traffic from the nearby main road abated enough for me to hear the question "Have you see any Mormons in these here parts before?".

I was a bit taken aback by the lucid directness of this sentence. I am often accosted in the same street for all manner of reasons from giving the time, offering up a non-existent cigarette, pennies for a cup of tea or often as not when a local resident asks if I am a Policeman.

We were now all on the same pavement side of the street. In the early evening light of a saturday I could make out their name badges which were just visible under the lapels of their sensible coats. Each held tightly onto a leather satchel no doubt containing their bible, teaching tracts and promotional literature.

The mention of Mormons immediately brings into my mind two images. The first is of, for some reason, a large bearded man out shopping in the company of multiple wives and the second, well technically second and third are Donny and Marie Osmond.

This religious following did have quite a charm offensive in the 1970's when I was nearly in my teens and Mormons were, to my young perception, associated with clean cut youths, good singing harmonies, polygamy and very, very good teeth.

My two street acquaintances obviously, at face value, met two of that criteria- it could have been more.

In reply to their opening question I showed off my insensitivity and prejudice by saying "No, but I am sure I would have noticed as your lot do stand out like a sore thumb".

The blank expression to this I put down to:

1) They are not familiar with English phrases
2) They are after all from the United States and do not recognise irony in humour
3) Between them their thumbs were healthy.

They then told me that they were newly arrived to the area. Perhaps in their pioneering or witnessing or preaching or doorstepping or whatever it was called in their branch of religion they were just instructed by their Elders to go out, immediately upon arrival in a district and do it.

They seemed rather demoralised by what must have been a long day in the surrounding area with little or no interaction with the local population.

I gave them a quickfire run down of the social demographic for the nearest ten streets based on my knowledge of nearly four years residence in the inner city. I was tempted to put on a Middle Earth voice and start with "here be dragons" but recalled points 1) and 2) above and felt this would not be helpful.

Pointing to buildings within 50 metres which were the closest to us I recounted that they were run by a Housing Association for young homeless persons. I compared this, from having watched the boxed set of "The Wire" to a 'Project' Stateside. That registered with them, but not I thought from watching the gritty drug enforcement cop series given its unwholesome themes.

I continued; One street up was of strong Middle Eastern and Arabic identity. Around the corner was a long terraced block with Polish and other Eastern European families. The large, Victorian villas around a local park were the popular lodgings for the student population attending the City University. Other similar properties, not let to students were used as temporary accommodation for refugees and those seeking asylum. A modern cul de sac, with a large ceramic mural at its entrance depicting a willow pattern type scene was occupied by the Chinese community. A further area of smaller, tightly packed terraced houses had a strong association with the Afro-Caribbean population. In between were converted properties providing Social Care for the elderly or infirm. Newer build infill properties provided hostel beds as a sort of halfway house for ex offenders. A good proportion of all of the housing stock in the area, I told them, was rented either by families or in multi-let occupation as bedsits and flats.

My potted and very generalised social study was accepted as a reasonable explanation by the two Americans for their lack of preaching opportunities that day. Their thumbs may have actually been sore from ringing door bells over the previous 12 hours or so.

They asked me where I thought would be a good area for them.

I had now assumed the role of campaign adviser to the Mormon faithful. In sweeping hand gestures I drew, in my minds eye, a very good scale map of the wide, tree lined streets about a half mile to the west characterised by some very nice owner occupied houses. It was a Conservation Area popular amongst professional types, teachers, artists and hipsters.

They were grateful for this advice and we parted company.

I was a bit disappointed not to have received a blessing of sorts but my reward was more subtle.

Those big posh houses would keep them busy for some time making it less likely that they would turn up on my own porch step any time soon.

On the way home I could not get two particular songs by the Osmonds out of my head. Perhaps I felt guilty about my advice as the tunes from one of their greatest hits albums were "In my own little corner of the world" and "One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch". Strange that.