Frenetic Alphabet

The world according to NATO is divided between those trained and able to easily use the phonetic alphabet and those who have no clue whatsover. I fall into the second grouping. This is quite embarassing given that I grew up as an avid watcher of war films and police dramas and should really have paid attention to the use of that form of communication. I should know by heart that Guy Gibson's Lancaster as shown in the Dambusters film had a number of AF-G and the last flying aircraft of that make that brings us running  to the sound of its four Rolls Royce engines as it passes over the house is HW-R. However, when expressed in the phonetic alphabet as Alpha Foxtrot Golf and Hotel Whiskey Romeo they could equally be mistaken for new car models by large german and italian manufacturers. I have actually just this very second realised that  the 1980's police show Juliet Bravo was a reference to the call sign , and not the actual name, of the lady police inspector it was about. How Tango Hotel India Charlie Kilo am I ?

Anyway, the very dated and lets face it rather elitist and sexist terms used are well overdue for a rethink especially if it to be adopted on a wider basis which is essential as spelling and comprehension standards are at their worst ever levels since the wore. The relevance of some form of phonetic alphabet is still very applicable today. This was emphasised to me only recently when I had to spell out my surname and other information to a UK based banking call centre. I panicked faced with my ignorance of the real system and ended up with a rather expansive and somewhat racy equivalent of my own. This did not help my quest to set up a standing order but did seem to amuse the customer sales advisor desperately in need of a laugh in the obvious absence of a window overlooking the better parts of Gateshead.

I have out of concern for the ongoing relevance of this form of communication devised my own. I have drawn on popular culture, slang, consumer goods and foodstuffs. I provide these with some reasoning for those still a bit dubious about the whole thing.

Alpha is a bit male orientated and therefore politically and sexually incorrect. I think ANDROID is suitable.
Bravo sounds like competition and a winner which excludes those less able. BOOB JOB
Charlie is disrespectful to our future monarch implying idiocy. COOL is more acceptable
Delta implies a large river area which can be upsetting for those in drought areas. DUDE is inoffensive
Echo. What is that, What is that, that, that, that. EMO is a nice calm word.
Foxtrot. Too BBC and middle class for my taste. Discriminates against non-dancers. FIREWALL
Golf. Discredited after the Tiger Woods incidents. GO COMPARE
Hotel. There are other forms of accommodation of equal calibre available. HARRY POTTER.
India. Just because they are an emerging nation should not entitle them to a free advert. i-PAD
Juliet. Very tragic young lady. JIFFY BAG
Kilo. Too metric. KYLIE MINOGUE
Lima. A bit Peruvian and actually not in the NATO organisation. LUSH
Mike. No longer a very popular name. The youngest Mike I know is 49 years old. MOTOROLA
November. Extremely monthist and actually one of the least favourite in the calendar. NERD
Oscar. Law suit pending from BAFTA against unfair monopoly. OPRAH
Papa. Does not take into account modern family and lifestyle arrangements. PRIMARK
Quebec. Potentially separatist and a bit frenchified. QUORN
Romeo. At least one of the Beckham children. RICHARD MADELEY
Sierra. Very poorly made Ford motor vehicle. SMART PHONE
Tango. More swanky dance moves or fruity soft carbonated drink. TATTOO
Uniform. Militaristic. UMBRELLA, BRELLA, BRELLA
Victor. Another reference to unfashionable competition. VAMPIRE
Whiskey. Discriminates against Scottish produced malt based alcoholic drink. WHEELIE BIN
X-ray. Always a bit of a cop-out this one. Bring in that rubbish Coldplay. XYLO-MYLO
Yankee. Very inflammatory to the most of the world nations epecially those with oil and a dictator. YAHOO
Zulu. Reparations for Rourkes Drift still outstanding. ZUCKERBERG

I have put in some trade names and those of individuals mindful of sponsorship and commercialisation which is inevitable for the success of any fledgling and pioneering venture.

I sign off in what I call my Frenetic Alphabet, PRIMARK EMO TATTOO EMO RICHARD MADELEY