Lumbered Jack

"I'm looking at it now", I heard myself saying with great regularity during the opening five minutes of conversing with the faceless voice on the other end of the telephone line.

I was a bit frustrated at the lack of progress in explaining my predicament to a self professed Expert in his particular field but somewhat contented at being the initiator rather than the recipient of an annoying phone call, for once.

"I am looking at it now" I repeated trying not to sound bored or disinterested.

"It is definitely a tree, a big one".

By way of essential background I must explain that in moving to a new house I have assumed custodianship of a very big tree. I have a reasonable working knowledge of the common species found in British towns and countryside but this particular example had left me puzzled as to it's identity.

A rather dog eared and well thumbed copy of The Observer Book of Trees had not been helpful and I could not score any collectors points from the pages of my childhood I-Spy book.

A good friend of the family, a clever gardener, got me to bring her a sample of the bark and a handful of the foliage. A species was mentioned but I forgot to write it down and was too embarassed to admit that I had not really been paying attention at the time. I seem to recall mention of something Chinesey, willowy or acer-ey but nothing with any surety to pursue through the internet.

My first hunch was Eucalyptus. This was based on the not dissimilar tree that our former neighbours had planted, nutured to maturity and then mercilessly cut down because it made their lawn look untidy with discarded leaves and bark.

I had tolerated the same carpet like deposit on my side of the boundary hedge because I loved to gather up and crush a handful of the thin spiny foliage in my palms to release the wonderful aroma. Imagine my disappointent at just finding my hands full of bland and odourless organic material after carrying out the same test on my recent acquisition.

So, I had resorted to an expert, in this case the NaturePlus service operated by the Natural History Museum.

The introduction to the range of assistance they could offer had caught my eye in that it summed up my exact same desire "Please help me identify this tree".

Easier said than done given the apparent infinite number of variables in the identification process for the many thousands of species found within these shores and worldwide. The site also helps those mystified by an unknown bug or other item of fauna and flora which given the even more populous natural world of living creatures and organisms may have been even more difficult.

The expert allocated to me on a random basis after my selecting of the "Tree" button was at first enthusiastic and chatty, keen to impart his depth and range of knowledge, no doubt fostered during a lifetimes fascination with the giant plants.

He did not give the immediate impression that he was working to a script, not at first anyway.

"Can you describe in the broadest descriptive terms what you want me to I.D?" he commenced.

"Well, duh, it's a tree, you know, like the rest of them".

A pause akin to the time required for him and me simultaneously to doodle the word "TWAT" on a desktop notepad.

"Let's try again shall we?" ,

"Okey Dokey" I replied.

"How big is it for starters?".

As I was actually, as I had explained looking at it now I made a quick mental estimate of elevational height and reported "It is a little bit taller than my house".

Another slightly longer pause and audible pen strokes of a more derogatory wording or drawing, possibly "cock".

The man was having his patience and professionalism tested to the extreme but remained polite but forceful,

"And how big is that, two storey, three storey or......",

I jumped in "3".

He was onviously an avid video gamer in that he could immediately visualise a giant multi dimensional model of my abode as he came back with a pretty accurate calculation of the true altitude of my roof ridge line.

I was impressed but tried not to show it. Clever so and so I thought.

"Please describe the bark and configuration of the boughs".

It was getting a bit technical now.

"You know Eucalyptus, the tree not the cough sweet, well its a bit like that and the boughs stick out irregularly from the trunk as well",

"Ummmmm", the only following noise, possibly a brain mulling over a quandary and dilemna rolled into one.

"Are the leaves spiny and thin or maple shaped",

"Yes" I answered, mischievoulsy delaying to add "spiny and thin".

"Are they alternately arranged on the stem, opposite each other or on individual stalks?"

"Hold on" I said and rushed downstairs and out onto the rear roadway to retrieve a few strewn leafs. I could only have been a matter of a minute or so but I could make out either hair being pulled out or teeth grinding incessantly.

"Definitely on their own prongy things and there is no smell when crushed".

This throwaway offering of information had confused the expert in obviously as it was onviously being lined up as his next question.

"Just a moment, I am just having a few thoughts" he said and there was an attempt to cup the mouthpiece with his hand.

I could however clearly make out the rapid and panicky thumbing action through a small, pocket sized reference book, highly likely to be The Observer Book of Trees from his own childhood reference library.

"I will have to refer the matter to my Supervisor" he said in a dejected manner "In the meantime you must send some photographs in on the website. Thank you, goodbye".

In the brief moment between his farewell and putting down the telephone handset I was sure I could hear a man crying, or was it just the wind in the trees.