Downturn Abbey

reproduced from about 2 years ago. Not a regular fan of the programme so I apologise if I mention a character since demised, defrocked, demoted, disgraced or deported......

The fortunes of Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham were at their lowest point. He sat at his bureau in his study at Downturn Abbey, head in hands in desperation for guidance on the right thing to do.

The burden of maintaining the vast house and working estate had brought the family to the very brink of the shame and dishonour of bankruptcy.

The domestic staff had been laid off, let go or simply killed in an attempt to reduce overheads and bring the budget under control. The only retained servants had , in a drunken game of below-stairs strip Ludo, been co-erced and persuaded to adopt a job share arrangement which was proving far from satisfactory for those concerned.

William Mason had just returned to his footman duties from digging a shallow grave for one of the anonymous staff who had strayed too close to Sir Anthony Strallans attempt to open the Pimms bottle using a volley from both barrels of his shotgun. The position would not be re-advertised as Mr Carson had plans to abduct a villager for training up in the combined skills of gamekeeping and genocide. Beryl Patmore was finding it near impossible to multi task in both kitchen and maintenance departments. The task of re-lining the valleys around the main house roof had been particularly problematic using only a pastry cutter, rolling pin and spatula. Her efforts in crimping the edges and in the applique leaf motifs on the leadwork were widely admired and made the front cover of the erstwhile publication, much mis-subscribed, of  'Victorian Erections', the spring roof-works edition.

Tom Branson was now adept at using the Rolls Royce to ram-raid local branches of Liptons the Grocer in order to extract sufficient rations of tea and cake for gentry and servants alike.

Daisy took it upon herself to ride around on a bicycle made for two, charging just below Hackney Carriage rates in an attempt to supplement the meagre wages brought about by the absence of opportunities for pilfering and blackmail  in the bleak economic conditions prevailing on the estate.

Sacrifices were also made above stairs. Lady Cora had dropped the luxury of her American accent for a more utilitarian dialect from somewhere between York and Leeds. Matthew Crawley, the heir consumptive, already slight and sickly in stature and badly affected by the tragic misfortunes of the family took to writing malicious chain letters threatening great woes upon those who did not send a Guinea and pass the same on to at least five other toffs. He was regarded as a pathetic figure eagerly awaiting the daily delivery of post at the gates of the stately home.

Lady Edith, with the Lady Mary, Isobel and Sybil hired themselves out on a good daily rate plus travel expenses to lecture at top girls schools and finishing colleges on the art of entrapment, faking it , dress making on a budget and home brewing. On an evening they operated a high class escort agency.

Lady Rosamund Painswick astounded her peers with her successes at car-boot sales.

It was in this atmosphere of austerity but great community spirit that Robert, Earl of Grantham, convened a meeting . He explained that all their great efforts were for nought and he had, that very morning decided to sell the house, estate and all locks, stocks and barrels to the Board of Health to be used as a Sanitorium and Lunatic Asylum.

The Dowager Countess, who had been singularly absent from the effort to revive the fortunes of the family, raised herself up on her spindly, spinster legs and announced that the prospect of a sale was frankly ridiculous and beyond the pale. She went on to explain that she had actually completed that transaction many years before and with a tap of her crystal cane on the parquet of the ballroom floor the Trustees and Turnkeys appeared to take the household, all of whom participated in an elaborate drama of hallucinatory proportions ,up to their padded cells to be restrained and heavily sedated before re-enacting their sorry lives all over again the following morning, commencing with a hearty breakfast of kidneys, kippers and scrambled egg.