Top Gear for Dummies

Believe it or not but at the age of 50 I have just bought my first ever car.

Of course, I have had the use of motor cars since passing my test some three decades ago but these have been shared with siblings in the case of the little red 1966 Mini and thereafter and exclusively provided by the company or companies that I have worked for.

This continuity of access to vehicles is, I admit, quite remarkable and even more so where I have not been required to lay out any of my own money towards the purchase.

There have been some employers whose service I was in who did give a choice of car but only if you were willing to contribute over and above the bog standard issue of a typical Sales Rep set of wheels invariably a Ford, Vauxhall or Austin Rover. Other employers have just passed down through the hierarchy any surplus vehicles and as a starter in a couple of firms I found myself driving around in a rather plush but untrendy Mini Metro which had belonged to one of the Partner's wives and then a battered Fiesta Diesel whose former user had negligently wired in his own stereo and then rapidly removed it so that on my first day the exposed electrical connections caught fire and I had to bail out on the roadside until the acrid smoke had cleared.

Promotion through the ranks in one company was recognised by an upgrade to a sporty version of a mass produced Ford model which was great fun and I do not know how, to this day, I survived physically and in terms of keeping a clean licence given the extreme speeds and driving tactics that such horse power permitted on a daily basis. I was a typical company car driver, a bit like white van man but with four doors.

A change of job and location saw a bit of a come down in wheels and I pottered about for a couple of years in a clapped out Sierra Sapphire until the engine block fractured and then a Rover 214 which was a brand new model but still a bit naff and not really compatible with my mid to late 20's age range.

I ventured into self employment in the early 1990's so I was in charge of car purchases but technically the means of acquisition came through the business. The accountant gave advice on best policy in taxation and allowances which usually translated into "buy an estate car" and so my long association with four doors and a tailgate began and continues to the present day.

I did secretly yearn for that day when the accountant would ring up and say "you have earned so much that you need to pop down to the Porsche Dealership and buy something" but it never transpired.

I just maintained my reputation as Mr Sensible and stuck with, in succession, four Volvo Estates over the period 1994 to 2008 covering around 400,000 of largely trouble free miles and more recently two VW Passat Estates. In between I must have had my menopause as there was a brief flirtation with a bright racing blue Skoda Octavia VRS in which I let rip a bit although generally the accelaration and road holding did scare more than thrill, on occasion.

The business did make some bad decisions on company cars which I attribute to the motoring fickleness of the joint owner whose heart was swayed by the next new model to be lauded in the media. I tolerated the whims and fancies of the man as we worked well as a team but heck, the depreciation for makes of Mercedes (3), Alfa Romeo, Volvo XC70 and BMW X5 was astonishing notwithstanding the daily fuel costs which were extortionate.

In more recent years the company has acquired cars on a lease basis as this involves minimum up front payment and a reasonable monthly hire with the fun part being that it can just be handed back without the hassle of trying to dispose of it privately.

The foregoing represents my motoring history.

It is hardly anything of pedigree or note and if confided to Jeremy Clarkson he would certainly frown and roll his eyes a bit and put me down as a bit of a plodder rather than a petrol-head.

I am not ashamed of this labelling because although I like cars as do most males I am not obsessed with supercars or prestigious marques nor the superficial impression made by the car that you drive.

To me cars have always been a business tool and I have been more interested in reliability and fuel economy than their ability to drift, doughnut or scorch the tarmac at the traffic lights.

I have, saying that, had some head turning vehicles but mainly attributable to their very scruffy and dirty appearance or noisy mechanics from inadequate maintenance.

So, I have got thus far without buying a car for my own private use.

I have found the process a bit nerve racking to tell the truth what with the new experiences around arranging finance, sorting out V05 documents, insurance and MOT's but I am determined to adopt a new discipline, for once, of actually looking after the thing although that is another new skill set that I will have to learn. Apparently there is an engine thing under the flappy hinged panel at the front end that may need some consumables every now and then..........