Priest Hole

I heard a story about a village Priest who dropped numerous hints to his parishioners that if they felt of generous spirit they might raise the funds amongst themselves to build him an extension at the vicarage.

He required a room dedicated to his spiritual, personal  and Parish business which could not be accommodated within the existing building even though it was one of the largest and grandest examples of its kind in the Diocese.

Indeed, the original building had itself been an expression of respect and worldly love for a predecessor by willing and grateful members of the congregation.

It is no wonder that the posting of a Cleric to a wealthy rural parish was seen rather like compensation particularly if that Priest were a second son and not able to inherit the family estate or title in the strict hierarchy of succession.

The villagers made no fuss over the request for donations.

The better off amongst the landowners and merchant residents tried to out do one another in terms of generosity and equally so in the modesty in which they made the amount known to all and sundry either directly or via the efficient grapevine of gossip.

A few who regarded themselves as middle class gave with more piety.

The agricultural workers gave what they could afford which was in reality a greater proportion of their income than their affluent neighbours.

Everyone in the village contributed, bar none as a reflection of the fear of God in their souls, even those who had not stepped over the threshold of the local Church since their Baptism, Wedding or the funeral of a loved one.

Funds accumulated rapidly in the Parish Bank Account, incidentally but not unusually with the Priest as sole signatory.

Within a couple of months of the heavy hints an Architect was engaged to draw up a selection of plans and elevations for a suitable extension. These were displayed on the Parish notice board on the Village Green but no opinions were invited or dared be offered as to the favourite. The Priest had the only vote and chose a rather ornate, Gothic design with black slate roof, fancy corbelled brickwork and narrow, arrow slit window openings which contrasted sharply with the classic red brick and pantile proportions of the Vicarage to which it would be attached.

A number of builders from the main County Town were asked to tender for the job even though perfectly good and competent contractors numbered in the village population. The successful company were not that well known in the area. The Priest made it clear that the criteria for the appointment was purely on price. A closer inspection of the Company Registration Document will have disclosed that one of the Directors of the building company had the same surname as the incumbent.

The parishioners were far too trusting to allow any suspicions of collusion and nepotism to be pursued.

Construction progressed well in the spring months and by the early summer the extension was fully completed. A small ceremony was held to bless the new arrival and the Priest moved in. Unfortunately the accumulated building fund had been depleted by what had been blamed on unforeseen technical difficulties and a further appeal went out to the financially beleagured villagers for contributions to comfortably furnish and decorate the interior.

In residence the Priest felt he had been promoted to joint spiritual director and Lord of the Manor. The extension was much larger than envisaged by the church faithful. Rather than an office it was more like a throne-room, opulent and lushly fitted out.

You would expect the efficiency and dedication of God's Representative to be massively enhanced by the surroundings and the cost of the structure to be repaid to the benefactors in faithfulness and service.

In the weeks and months following the occupation of the palace-like extension the villagers found it very, very difficult to get to see the Priest to discuss spiritual requirements or to arrange the usual formalities of births, marriages and deaths.

On approaching the Vicarage, convinced that their Vicar was in on the basis that he had not been seen out and about , it was soon evident that he was not. A series of polite but increasingly insistent pulls on the bell chain brought no response. It was the case on a regular basis that Parishioners had to make their way back down the long driveway disappointed and disillusioned.

Inside his domain the Priest was happy with his new regime of limited contact with the general public. He congratulated himself on the inspirational features of the extension and in particular the narrow vertical glazed apertures. These were orientated to give a perfectly clear view of the gated entrance from the Main Street of the village. If he sat back, just beyond the deep window reveal he could avoid being seen by anyone approaching seeking guidance or solace. This gave him the upper hand in any potential situation and he could look forward to a very peaceful few years until his official retirement and entitlement to the very generous Clergy Pension.