Garp

Just a few words of wit and wisdom from the late, great Robin Williams.

'You're only given a little spark of madness, you mustn't lose it'

'If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

'Some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! Thirty years old, single, lives with his parents, come on. He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish. Give it up

'No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world

'Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason

'Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio

''I'm a born entertainer. When I open the fridge door and the light goes on, I burst into song

When I first met David Beckham, I didn't know whether to shake his hand or lick his face''

Comedy is acting out optimism

'Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?'

Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy, The Marx Brothers. Comedy is a great art when it works. I’ve never seen anything funnier than Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor, that scene at the dinner table. That alone should get an award if you are just talking about sheer funny but they are always talking about ‘well, is it meaningful?’ Well, sure it’s meaningful if you come out and you had a great laugh'

We're dealing with fundamentalists. The Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that'

'People ask why I do children's comedies. I'm happy being a Robert de Niro for nine-year-olds

'Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award". The other is "You want fries with that?"'

'Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party

'Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall rat!

'The French have a bomb, too. The Michelin Bomb – only destroys restaurants under four stars

'In the midst of all this ranting, you can’t forget that in New York harbour, there is a statue that says, “Give me your tired, your poor…” And that doesn’t mean, “…for two weeks, to do light housework”'

'Oh my god, Jack Nicholson. He once was with me at a benefit and leaned over and said in a very intense voice: "Even oysters have enemies." I responded with "increase your dosage"

Said Adam to Eve, “Back up, I don't know how big this gets”'

'After my heart attack, my heart was all out of rhythm. It sounded like I had Tito Puente from an Afro-Cuban band on the front valve. Then they do an angiogram, which is going through your groin to get to your heart. And who knew that was the way to a man’s heart? I have a cow valve now. It’s wonderful. I can sh-t standing up.

'A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while'

"If all politicians were women we wouldn't have wars...we'd just have some intense negotiations every 28 days."

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev'

'Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready"

'In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say, "Stop, or I'll say stop again"'

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs'

'I called him when I was representing People for the Valdheimers Association. A society devoted to helping raise money to help older Germans who had forgotten everything before 1945. I remember him laughing and going "thank you"'

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins

Cricket is basically baseball on valium