The Old Ones are the Best

An interesting scam was worked into the script of todays BBC 4Extra broadcast of the classic comedy duo of Steptoe and Son.

The original production entitled "The Three Feathers" was from February 1972 in its radio from but from two years earlier on TV featuring the trademark sarcasm, wit, back biting, profanities, insults and wonderful political incorrectness portrayed by Wilfrid Brambell as Albert, old man Steptoe and Harry H Corbett as his long suffering but self defeating son, Harold.

The crackly and variable sound quality only adds to the authenticity of the characters and the Oil Drum Lane location. Even though I remember watching the TV shows they are, in my recollection, always in stark black and white. This, I realise was down to the fact that my parents did not give in to getting a colour television until about 1985. Nevertheless the entertainment value was in no way diminished.

The plot in this episode centres on the return to the Rag and Bone Yard by an excited and very enthusiastic Harold. On his rounds he has bought a commode at a knock-down price of seven pounds from a seemingly naïve housewife plus a few balloons as sweetener for her children.

Harold's attendance at a Greater London Council Nightschool class on identifying antiques has paid off as he recognises the quite modest piece of furniture as having a significantly higher value than he shelled out. Old man Steptoe also recognises a quality piece but he is aghast to be shown a glazed ceramic piss pot under the exquisitely upholstered seat. The potty has a fleur de lys motif and Harold speculates that it must have belonged to the Prince Regent, possibly from the Brighton Pavilion residence. His paltry outlay is expected to be rewarded with a pay day at auction of at least £200.

Harold is a dreamer and in his mind he has already spent the windfall on a selection of haute couture and goods as befitting the perception of the gentleman what he is.

There is a knock at the door and an irate man enters the scruffy living room. He is the husband of the duped housewife and furious at the disreputable business practice of the scrap traders. Harold is adamant that he will not give the commode back and so the visitor offers to buy it back for £150. A cheque is written out for that amount. The man insists that he will send specialist furniture removers within a couple of days rather than Harold attempting to return it directly to his home.

The departure of the man and the beneficial deal done results in considerable mirth and celebration from Harold although his Old Man is strangely quiet as he disapproves of the whole affair.

Another caller at the door announces himself with a double barrelled name as a Rome based antiques dealer touring the area to acquire stock to crate up and sell to the Italian market. He looks around nonchalantly dismissing the Capo de Monte and Clarice Cliff before focusing in on the Regency Commode. He is in raptures over it claiming it as one of the best examples he has ever seen.

There is no question that he must have it. The offer is £600 if no-one else is interested. Harold comes clean by disclosing that it is sold but the other party are not really that keen and are highly likely to pull out. The offer stands but dependant on it still being available in a couple of days time and subject to provenance as to its use under a royal bottom. Handshakes appear to seal the transaction.

The episode tracks forward over 48 hours which have been eventful in the Tatters Yard. Harold has placated the angry husband by handing over £300 but in the knowledge that he already has £150 in the bank so he is only £150 down. The promise of a £600 receipt is still enticing and even though the affluent dealer has not returned to honour the purchase Harold remains buoyant and confident of carrying through the coup.

The only downer comes from Old Man Steptoe. His world weary experience has made him uneasy of everything that has transpired and his own investigations have revealed a number of critical issues. The cheque for the £150 is bouncing around the bank account. An independent furniture expert has declared the commode to be a very recently crafted reproduction and indeed one of 14 similar he has seen in as many days.

Harold is understandably incandescent at being the victim of a scam where the perpetrators have included the housewife, her kids, the alleged husband and the toff dealer. He sets off from the premises clutching the potty determined to exact mischief with it on the GLC on whom he attributes all of the blame for his misfortune. Cue the theme music and raucous applause from the live studio audience. A real classic.