PS I Love You

I have never been very good with strangers.

By strangers I do not of course mean the dangerous type about which we are warned when young but just anyone that you meet in everyday life and of whom you have no prior knowledge or acquaintance.

What happens to me in such scenarios?

I have physiological and mental reactions the former including  a perspiring brow and nose and the latter an intense nervous feeling. I came to accept these as just character traits inherited from my family line. Unfortunately I have passed the same onto my own children but in the pursuit of their own lives and happiness it has not been too much of a hindrance.

In my mid teens I was a bit geeky and hesitant and it usually took quite a long time for me to summon up enough courage to participate in such activities as Youth Club, Brass Band , Co-Education and as a spin off of that- asking girls to go out with me. If put on the spot in the classroom, when caught buying alcohol under-age from the local Spar Shop or in many other situations I would rapidly turn into a hot and bothered blob. Feigning illness such as the onset of flu or fever was often a necessary escape tactic and once out of the limelight I usually recovered all of my faculties and some of my dignity.

In spite of giving the impression that I could spontaneously combust at any moment I did manage to have a good and meaningful existence as a teenager.

With the experience of age came a slight lessening in anxiety in the meeting of strangers, perhaps I just came to accept that If I wanted to do anything with my life I would just have to cope and get on with it.

I regret now that I did not investigate more of the medical and psychological aspects of my reactions because I now realise that others suffered the same as me.

If in a meeting and likely to be asked to speak on a subject or give a report I found that I was more at ease if I could see fellow delegates or colleagues experiencing similar signs to my own. If someone came out with the phrase "is it hot in here or is it just me?", I felt an immediate sense of relief and relaxation that instilled in me an immediate confidence and I could look forward to sailing through any predicaments or confrontations with commensurate ease.

It now appears, from scientific  studies that humans are in fact hard wired not to have any empathy with strangers.

The outcome of coming across a stranger would therefore be stress. Our long distant ancestors would live in a tight group of 100 or so and being amongst friends as they would all be did not cause stress or anxieties. It would be rare to encounter anyone from outside of the group but if this did happen then there would be a reaction borne out of stress that would, more likely be a violent rather than an welcoming one.

Recent experiments have involved the testing of empathy through reactions to pain.

In controlled sessions,  participants were asked to plunge their hands into icy cold water and then rate the pain level suffered. The combination used was single person, the same person and a friend and finally the same with a complete stranger.

The results may surprise. Levels were the same for the individual and also when paired with a stranger but the highest levels of pain were when friends shared the task. This suggested that friends empathise with each others pain and by definition seemed to confirm that there is no empathy with someone you do not know. The term for this is emotional contagion.

 In hindsight I should as a teenager have just hung out with friends and avoided new acquaintances like the plaque.

This was impossible anyway given that we moved as a family every four years and I would be plunged into completely new situations regularly. This would also force me to adapt and cope.

So what are the latest theories and practices to alleviate the stress between strangers?

The world would certainly be a much better and arguably calmer and more peaceful place if science or psychology could devise a formula or protocol for this. Anxiety and misunderstanding could be avoided and many global hot spots defused.

Well, a further study has found an answer in making complete strangers play the video game by Harmonix from 2007 of Rock Band for just 15 minutes.

The game, as everyone under 40 must surely know,  involves playing plastic guitars and drums to simulate rock music. There is a need for co-operation by players in pursuit of mutual rewards and this was found in the study to act as a blocker to stress with the resultant outcome of empathy. As with the hands in the ice bucket test there was shown to be, from just a 15 minute session the development of a bond and understanding only otherwise found amongst close friends.

At last, a legitimate reason to play a video game!