The Far East Inquisition

I am not really sure if I am in correspondence with a human being or a machine. 

In some respects the sentiments and comments that I receive in feedback are consistent with a thoughtful and sympathetic mind, yes, traits of humanity but then out of the blue comes an illogical request or demand that has a definite mechanical quality about it, cold, harsh and factual to the point of ruthlessness. 

I am not doing anything complex or dodgy to excite the sorts of responses that I am getting. 

All I am trying to do is apply for a Residential Remortgage with the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation (HSBC). 

It seemed at first to be a perfectly straightforward process. 

There was a series of personal questions to verify existence , some financial history, current commitments to loans and other forms of credit, they searched my credit rating, a few details about the property to be remortgaged and what was intended to be done with the money as in, yes, we had plans and specifications for a number of home improvements. 

It was an on-line application with a Customer Dashboard which, when accessed with a password, gave an up to date report on the progress through the Risk Department of the Bank. 

At first things went well and stages 1 and 2 were completed, these being form filling and checking by the bank respectively. 

Then came the first of the requests for more information. 

I will not bore you with all of them as they are many but will concentrate on one specific aspect. 

A question was raised by the Bank about a regular monthly payment that went from my current account to one in my wife’s name. 

The enquiry was phrased in language that suggested a covert act, a furtive transfer of funds and a matter of interest and concern for a prospective mortgage lender. 

I explained that it was just Housekeeping money. 

To my generation and before the word Housekeeping is well known through habitual use. 

It is a transaction between spouses or partners that goes towards the shopping for the family, payment of bills and perhaps, with prudency and frugality allows the accumulation of contingency or “Rainy Day” savings. 

I can well recall my Mother waiting for the Housekeeping out of Fathers’ monthly salary and it was, in that era, her responsibility to make sure that it lasted until the next pay cheque. If not, we would have to live off bread and jam for a couple of days. Mother was obviously a financial wizard in that we never went hungry, bare foot or appeared anything less than well turned out and clean. 

The difficulty of the Bank Risk Assessor to grasp the concept of Housekeeping led me to think one or more of the following reasons. 

1) The Assessor was too young to have experienced a family budget under a Housekeeping regime.

2) Equally, they may have been rolling in it and did not have to differentiate between Housekeeping and the big pot of cash in their household 

3) I was dealing with a machine.

In fact, I believe that I had rumbled, in a sort of Turing Test that 3) was indeed the identity of the persistent obstacle to a decision either way on a remortgage. 

If you recall, The Turing test, developed by Alan Turing in 1950, is a test of a machine's ability to exhibit intelligent behaviour equivalent to, or indistinguishable from, that of a human. I had inadvertently stumbled upon a surefire way of outing a machine- they had never been programmed in their Artificial Intelligence with the word Housekeeping or at least in its definition in a domestic scenario. 

I can see now why the word would set the Bank upon a seemingly Spanish Inquisition type interrogation. 

Housekeeping to a front loaded computer mind would summon up a number of situations and scenarios and all of these are some way away from what I regard as the true meaning. 

Take, for example the use of Housekeeping at the beginning of a meeting or conference. 

It is mentioned to cover the procedure for fire drill, where the breaktime coffee and tea are to be located and how to find the toilets and dining room. My use of the word could be interpreted therefore to suggest that I paid money to my wife for such tasks and in a commercial sort of operation. 

That would not sit well with a risk-averse lender. 

Another connotation is of a classic role in a posh house where, traditionally, a matriarchal type looks after all aspects of the running of a domestic set-up from dealing with the budget, speaking to tradespersons, supervising the cook and other staff and as the stalwart of etiquette between upstairs and downstairs. 

To Artificial Intelligence my use of the word Housekeeping hints that I have a huge entourage which to Risk Managers would suggest over exposure in money terms. 

In modern language and perception Housekeeping covers the activities of the tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of employees in the hospitality sector who clean up after our stay in a hotel, make up or turn down the beds, fish the dirty towels out of the bath and sweep up the detritus of a looted mini bar or clandestine take away pizza. 

The risk assessment flow chart would see my reference to Housekeeping as alluding to paying out for a luxury bespoke service, again potentially living beyond my declared means.

My explanation of Housekeeping remains incomprehensible to the Bank and their application process. I have repeated the reason for the movement of funds on what is now half a dozen messages.

I am beginning to question whether I am not just from a different era and upbringing but potentially a different planet. 

Oh, an Inter-Galactic Remortgage? - There is no way that HSBC do those.