Pole Dancing to Harp Music

It might not always be a case of Location, Location, Location when it comes to the most important criteria for buying that house. 

If you are looking to try to future proof in terms of demand, saleability and value then, yes, you should have some consideration of location but such are the uncertainties involved that no sure fire guarantees can be provided. 

House purchase should really have the same warnings as other forms of investment, in that values can go down as well as up. 

Add into the mix such factors as the intended course of a main rail line, the siting of a nuclear power station, extended airport runways, an upsurge in crime and anti-social behaviour or if a street just falls out of favouritism for any one of hundreds of actual or perceived reasons and you can appreciate that the three word mantra so promoted by Spencer and Allsop has inherent flaws. 

Some people buy a house simply because they like the appearance of it or that it, as they say, ticks most of the boxes on their wish list of qualities and attributes. 

We, as a family, bought a small terraced house back in the 1990’s. It had some longer term suitability issues, was old and expensive to maintain and run, streetside parking was a matter of intense competition as well as demanding the highest skill levels of parallel parking but at the time the lean-to type sun-room (I hesitate to call it a conservatory) made for a great place for our two dogs to reside in and so the deal was done. 

It took only 3 years for us to realise our error and make a move to a human-suitable property. 

Drive down any road in any town and city and you may feel offended by the visual impact of certain houses. Yes, they are bloody ugly, either by their original design or from unsympathetic alterations, and yet they are obviously a cherished home for someone. 

I giggle to myself every time I drive past a cottage in a village out towards the coast as it has a face. 

In the absence of a door to the front there are two rectangular first floor windows resembling wide open eyes and on the ground floor a single matching window as in the mouthing of exclamation and surprise. 

I just cannot be the only person to see this but it is lived in and from time to time does come on the market for sale. 

In the course of my professional workload in the property sector I am often asked to provide an opinion on the suitability of a house or other premises for a specific intended use by the prospective buyers. 

One request was to advise on whether a former plumbers workshop (one of those in the rear yard of a old terraced house with a drive through archway from the street) would be alright for the keeping of fish. 

It was a strange request and my mind raced through images of banks of freezers or chillers, the indoor luxury of a carp pond or some manufacturing process that would possibly upset the neighbours in a quiet and reasonably odourless part of town. 

Turns out that the purpose was to temporarily house exotic tropical fish as they arrived in the country to take up occupation in a large riverfront aquarium which was still some months from being finished as a landmark project for the region. 

There can be quite a variation in the floor to ceiling heights in houses, often based on the era of their construction. Victorian and older houses have very high and often fancy embellished ceilings with cornices and rose requiring a full extending step ladder to inspect for any tell tale signs that the thick, horse hair bonded plaster is about to fall down. 

In contrast it is possible to stretch up on tip toes and touch the ceiling in most modern houses. 

I was asked to provide accurate floor to ceiling measurements for one female client being later told that it was for her to check that her dance pole could be relocated from her current home to the new residence. 

My most recent request came in an introductory letter from a firm of solicitors whose valued client was looking to buy a very large, late 1890’s built house in a well to do tree lined district of the city. 

The place had been unoccupied for about 8 years after last being occupied by ten students from the University. It was run down with the usual damp, rot and decay issues that inevitable take over an empty, unheated and poorly maintained property. 

The ground floors were certainly in a weakened condition as evidenced by a pronounced springboard effect when walked upon. I resisted my usual running jump and two footed landing- a surefire method of exposing any defects as I did not want to find myself up to the waist or further immersed in whatever void was under the floor. 

I was able to give an authoritative opinion that in their present condition I would not recommend that the client used the affected rooms to house their grand piano and full sized concert harp. 

It had been a case of overlooking quite obvious issues of dereliction and decay because the dimensions of those rooms would easily accommodate musical instruments of that size and weight. 

Location, Location, Location- well I’m still not so sure that is the full story.