Isaac Newton does breakfast

This is the formula produced by Scientists;

N = C + fb (cm) . fb  (tc) + fb  (Ts) + fc

This looks completely boring and somewhat incomprehensible to those of a non science background but becomes infinitely more understandable and palatable when the variables are explained;

N = force in Newtons for cooking.
fb = type of bacon
fc = type of filling
Ts = serving temperature
tc = cooking time
Ta = time to apply filling
cm = cooking method
C = Newtons for other purposes

In plain speak all of this gobbledygook relates to a bacon butty, or for those south of Watford, a bacon sandwich. The original exercise by the Department of Food and Science from Leeds University was to attempt to create the perfect bacon butty. 

I would have liked to have put my name forward to partake in that particular experiment but of course the best jobs always stay in the department in spite of lip service to a wider interview base. 

I find it fascinating that more than 1000 hours were dedicated to the pursuit of perfection but am in complete awe of there actually being , allegedly, 700 variations of the classic butty. 

The human guinea pigs sacrificing time and their arteries in the taste test phase of the experiment were asked to judge and rate the butty's according to taste, texture and flavour. The results of the massive exercise were, funnily enough, the exact same as those which could be produced by casually chatting with members of the public purchasing a bacon butty at any roadside grill , back street greasy spoon or Greggs the Baker. 

The winning component was considered to be the crunching sound and texture rather than actual taste and smell of the bacon. Of course the formal study was laboratory or hygienic kitchen based but  key factors to the enjoyment of a bacon butty are, we all know and appreciate, locational, social and economic. 

The best bacon butty's by far are those eaten outside. This is a huge variable which a pure science approach cannot replicate or even represent in formulaic terms. There would be a different set of conditions for example for a seafront butty, a roadside butty, sit down cafe butty and a night out on the town butty. 

In social situations the act of eating a bacon butty can show people in their true light.

The world is divided into the advocates of brown sauce, tomato ketchup or with no condiment at all. I am sure that volumes could be written by psychologists on choice of sauce or not. I have just attended a breakfast business meeting with a bacon butty. 

There is a whole realm of etiquette involved with when to eat and when to listen and speak. Get these mixed up at your peril. It is best not to top load the butty with too much sauce in such situations. In economic terms I would say that a bacon butty purchased with stray cash found under my car seat and in the ash tray is infinitely more appreciated and tasty than one where a bank note passes over the counter.

The attraction of a bacon butty cannot be denied, especially I find when I am determined to get through from breakfast to lunch without an elevenses treat. 

My resolve usually gives in at about 10.23am to that very clever marketing ploy of a flag flying on the verge close to a lay-by mobile caterer or just a shop advertising fresh bacon butty's.