War on Denmark

 I do not want to fall out with the neighbours and indeed will generally go to great lengths to try to avoid or mitigate aggression and confrontation in any difficult situation. 

However, me and the Danish People, that Nation being technically next door to my home city of Hull in East Yorkshire, UK are in a stand off, a war footing and for what reason? 

Well, it comes down to a bag of sweets at the Danish Church Christmas Fair. 

We, as a family, have attended the event annually for some time now as it is a colourful and joyous occasion, a must see to get into the season spirit. 

On being greeted at the door there is a glass of mulled wine and then on entering the main church hall there follows an assault on all of the senses from aromatic food odours, wine and cheese, smoked and raw fish, pickles, gingerbreads and pastries. 

Upstairs is a room with hand crafted seasonal gifts and decorations and our own home tree is always added to by the purchase of a knitted Scandinavian figure, a beautifully worked star or a comic Santa Clause - Julemanden in Danish. 

The Advent Wreaths and Calendars, a particular tradition in that part of Northern Europe are a sight to behold in their ornate style and yuletide adornments. 

Of course, a careful decision has to be made about that special purchase on the criteria of taste, suitability and cost. The skill required to make the items does come at a price but you cannot in any way feel begrudged by the price tag. If I could afford it I would easily fill up a few baskets with those wonderful things. 

So, about that bag of sweets. 

Well, we had taken along to the Danish Fair the two sons of our friend to give him a bit of a break. The boys were experiencing only their second Christmas having arrived in the UK from far distant lands in September 2016. We promised them that we would buy something festive and were looking around the stalls and displays for other interesting things, either cultural or seasonal to Scandinavia. 

I saw a plastic tub full of fish shaped sweets and the special offer of 20 for £1 was too good to miss.

It was a bit over the top but the boys filled a paper bag each with a pounds worth of the goodies and were told to save them until they got home. Having brought up our own three children we were well aware that this imposed sanction was an invitation to start eating them straight away. 

On the first bite each the facial features of the boys became contorted and agonised. 

The fish, a sugar white type coated black, were unceremoniously spat out across the crowded room. 

I could not understand this sudden violent reaction to what were, after all, Haribo branded sweets. That famous name could be generally taken as a guarantee of wholesomeness in terms of ingredients and taste. 

Intrigued by this uncharacteristic show of bad manners by our two guests I ventured into one of the bags and popped a fish into my mouth. It was an excruciatingly eye watering reaction to the most bitter and salty of sensations that I have ever experienced apart from, and we will not dwell on it, when I licked a cattle cake that was hanging on a barbed wire fence in a pasture whilst out hiking. 

The offending items were in fact a Scandinavian favourite, Salmiak or salty liquorice. 

What would possess a nation or even a wider geographical region which includes Sweden Norway, Finland, the Netherlands and Northern Germany to combine such strong tastes in what appeared at first to be a fun sweet? 

The distinctive and vaguely familiar taste of astringency and an eggy smell are actually attributable to the coating on the hard black liquorice of Ammonium Chloride. 

Perhaps that gives a big clue to the combination in that Ammonium Chloride is known for its expectorant qualities in cough medicines. 

I also thought that in a harsh Scandinavian climate there may be an inherent shortage of minerals and vitamins which could only be given in preparations and supplements- so why not in a fake sweet format? 

It is certainly an acquired taste but tongue numbing and stinging are not on my shopping list for a confectionery. 

Although Ammonium Chloride is an ancient discovery and indeed the word Salmiak has an etymology from Sal Ammoniacus or Salt of Ammon from ancient Greek the actual demonic combining of it with liquorice did not surface until the 1930’s when it became the pocket money sweet of choice in that part of Europe. 

Naturally we made our excuses and fled the Danish Church not wanting to provoke a diplomatic incident. 

The unopened bags of now some 30 plus in number salty fish sat on the table at home for some weeks but I did notice a slow shrinking of the bulging shape. 

Could it be down to some chemical degrading effect? 

After all, there has been a debate in the EU about safe levels of use of Ammonium Chloride and an attempt to legislate to a level of 0.3% by volume in 2012 was met with considerable opposition from countries where the recipe for salty liquorice demanded a 7% content. 

Confronting my family there was a very guilty look on the face of my wife. 

I should have known better as her ancestors, within a couple of generations came to the UK from both Sweden and Germany. 

In the interests of domestic and also wider European relations I was prepared to retract my previous declaration of war on Denmark and the wider Scandi Nations. 

Secretly, I found the fish shapes to be an acquired taste and may put in a special order well before the 2018 Christmas Fair.