Herring Aids

It is very much the summer holiday season in the UK.

The sudden invasion of coastal resorts by those taking their annual week or fortnight at, or just day trips to,  the seaside brings with it a welcome boost to many a struggling seasonal economy.

An unwelcome side effect however is the aggressive and quite frightening behaviour of seagulls towards the visitors which always gets a lot of coverage in the media with the poor birds receiving extremely bad press indeed.

The main point of conflict appears to be the clash between the British tradition of eating out in the open spaces of the seaside and the very natural instinct of the seagull to seek out sources of food in its natural environment.

A newspaper wrapped or polystyrene tray of chips and sauce makes for a very good target for the attentions of large herring and black headed members of the species who spend their own summer vacations in our main resorts.

Us humans do tend to relax and be off guard on our hols and so whilst strolling alongside the quayside, harbour or on the Promenade enjoying a fish and chip takeaway the last thing to be expected is a swooping attack by a lone predator or Hitchcock-esque flock.

The gulls are fearless or, as is more likely to be the case, entirely disrespectful of people and their sensitivities.

In a roundabout way that preamble brings me to a very popular bit of seaside related humour.

The joke is very well known in its own right but also in a particular genre revolving around male and female names.

It starts off with the question "What do you call?" followed by insertion of a man's or woman's name and then a seemingly random connection that ties back into the name mentioned.

For example, what do you call a man who is always there to help? Andy. What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug and what do you call a man in a pile of leaves? Russel.

The formula is very, very clear isn't it.

Well, returning to the seaside and pesky bird theme the joke is as follows;

"What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? "The answer, the most expected one is a little too obvious although none the less funny for that.

I have come up with a few alternative answers which give a bit more depth and breadth to the comic effect.

If you think on the subject of seaside attractions, sights and sounds you could come up with the splendid answer of Piers.

Thinking laterally you also come across huge numbers of seagulls around waste tips and other dumping grounds so you could answer the question with Phil- as in Landfill.

The are around the UK a number of Estuaries that spill out into the sea such as the Humber in my own part of the world, the Thames and on the western side of Scotland that historic watercourse that passes by Glasgow .

A seagull in that particular location might be sat on the head of a man called Clyde.

That river is famous for many things but mostly for a great history of shipbuilding. The skyline of the towns along the Clyde will have been punctuated by the grey metallic skeletal features of cranes above the dry docks and slipways and so it would not be unusual in such sites of human activity and therefore opportunistic possibilities for seagulls to have one such bird sat on the head of a man called Derrick.

Celebrity heads are not immune to be used as a perch and so you could expect to see the likes of Rock Hudson and River Phoenix under the scrawny legs and distinctive plumage of a sizeable herring gull.

That succession of rather cheesy, tenuous and cliched associations I can only apologise for and if it is any recompense I will leave you with the best and most traditional answer to "What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?"

It is of course, Cliff.