Head Shot

I do not come out well in a photograph. Of course the magic of the lens does have it's limitations if the source material is a bit lacking in the first place. I am often startled by the emergence of my face if, by accident, I activate the web-cam on the lap top. The shock of the image leads me to adopt various positions and poses to see what would be the best of a bad lot. I find that leering at the camera, chin slightly out does wonders to minimise the influence of the double chin but is a bit painful to hold for more than a few seconds. This may not be the best for a promotional shot but certainly better than my current on-line picture which, more than one person has hilariously likened to what they perceive as Harry Potter's dad. This is clearly ridiculous as everyone knows that James Potter was not a muggle, indeed he was of the purest ,pure blood line. The only thing I could possibly have in common with the man is the reference to perpetually untidy hair. (source; Wikipedia).Get real you people. There is a very simple explanation for the offending photo. I was at the annual company conference. It was the launch of the website. I was tired and caught off-guard. My contact lenses had affixed themselves somewhere above and behind my eyeballs and had shrivelled up. I had no spares. Fortunately, my emergency spectacles were salvaged from the glove box in the car. The rest is internet history. I have experimented with various poses with which to replace the Potter version but in  best form I then resemble Alan Titchmarsh. I cannot see it myself but I was assured by a promotions lady that if I could team up with a busty red head then she could get me appearance money as a looky-likey duo. Garden centre operators were apparently crying out for a very low budget alternative to Titch and Charlie for ceremonial openings of water gardens, tea shop, farm shop or a seasonal Santa's Grotto. As soon as a resemblance to the illustrious Alan is mooted by a member of the public or I am accosted  in the street to arrange to makeover a garden I know it is time to embark on that medical diet to lose a good few pounds. Amongst my absolutely favourite photographs is me when about age 4. The image does have obvious limitations for self promotion now but boy, am I cute. The setting is, I think, at grandparents although there are no real reference points in view. I am standing alone, right leg slightly raised in a definitely gauche position and with my right buttock just resting on a deep oval shaped wicker easy chair. Hair is slicked back, face cheeks a bit red and flustered, dickie bow however, level and true. My shirt is bright white, blue shorts, and with the fashion mistake of sandals with socks. I am grinning. The picture, having seen the family album appears to have been one of a series including my big sister and cousin. There are many photographs taken at key-school ages. This was always an expensive time for my parents when I returned home with the usual pack of proofs and various size and presentation options. There is a nice picture of me with my younger sister, about age 8. Between us and from the very gappy smiles we will have easily accounted for a full set of baby teeth.Newspaper photographers do have an eye for a good image. We hosted a Belgian girl in the 1970's. I recall she was from Namur and was going out with a footballer. The combination of being foreign, with a partial command of the English language and being quite pretty made her the biggest news event of the week which says a lot for the parochial nature of that particular town.A story for publication included a photo of me and my siblings being read to but beyond that I remember nothing. My father was a very keen amateur photographer and in his youth had all the equipment to process his own negatives and prints. Consequently we have volumes of family photos in albums and equal numbers loose and unsorted. There is a definite magic about actual photo's and I feel sorry for those whose treasured memories are retained on a hard drive and at risk from deletion, theft, hacking or that inevitable coffee spill on the laptop keyboard. By far the largest group picture I have participated in was at the Grammar School. We numbered about 400 boys and masters on the school field arrayed over progressively elevated rows. It was always going to be a difficult operation to manage. There were relief staff on duty to prevent the multiple appearance of pupils on the finished article. This could be acheived, in theory, by blagging a position at the end of the row on the margin of the focused shot and then on the opening of the slow speed shutter, peeling away and materialising at the other end. On this occasion the diligence of the staff was successful. However, one boy who will remain anonymous, Andrew Cleary, unwittingly followed the movement of the specialised camera from start to finish. It was only upon the release of the finished print that his distorted cabbage patch doll head was noticed. The embarrassed Headmaster had to offer the picture at a much reduced price. I expect that the school store room is full of rolled up prints that were shunned by disappointed parents.  I have only had one professional studio photo which was for the local paper through work. This was a black and white head shot giving me the appearance of a 1930's matinee idol. I am sitting slightly off  angle to the camera with a handsome, wistful and certainly not vague and confused look. Such a photo works wonders in disguising those characteristic red cheeks, ill fitting shirt and worn, shiny suit jacket.  I have reserved the negatives for reproduction on the front of my funeral service sheet, well understandably I do not want mourners giggling over a bespectacled wizard visage or looking around for Ms Dimmock. I can appreciate that she would be very upset but quite startlingly striking dressed in black with a veil and wellies. I would want to spare her any unnecessary distress or publicity.