Lots

If on a budget or just curious about what goes on I can generally recommend attendance at a public auction sale. Be strong in your intentions and keep a firm focus on what you want to buy. There are many shiny things and other distractions. Be prepared, above all, to go home with nothing if your target Lots are unattainable. Do not fall into the common trap of frustration at not being a successful bidder for the first choice Lot and then jumping in to take what is described as an unsorted box. Amongst the crested tea spoons, Wade Whimsy figures, a politically incorrect Robinsons Jam figurine playing a guitar, knitting pattern and a variety of plates and saucers there may be but a single item worth the winning bid of £1.50. Bidding at an auction is simultaneously exciting and mortifying. In setting up home I was after twin two seater settees, bankrupt stock, being offered at the local warehouse based auction house. They were in excellent condition, not remotely shop soiled or colour jaded. The first settee was easily bought, no noticeable competition. However, what better scope for mischief at a sale than  to see that someone is dead-set on making up a set or a clean sweep of Lots and contributing to the much higher price through malicious and bogus bidding. I could sense this was the case but of course the sea of faces clustered around the cavernous room were mainly those of poker faced dealers and speculators well practiced in concealment and deception. I persisted in waving my bidders number, beads of perspiration on my brow and the bridge of my nose. My self imposed maximum was approaching fast, almost twice as much as the first settee had been purchased for but at the fall of the hammer I had been successful. Unfortunately there were now three major problems. The first was that the goods had to stay in situ for the duration of the sale. The settees were, amongst the vast array of items in the sale room, part load bearing forming the base and plinth of a veritable pyramidic structure. Any attempt at a Jenga style extraction would be catastrophic. The second, worrying aspect was that the settees were also impromtu seating for the heavy legged, infirm or just casually lounging clientele of the auction rooms. Most of the current occupants, I counted a maximum of 8 large men and women, were arranged either on the actual seat cushions or with fleshy track-suit clad buttocks spilling out over the arms, counter balanced by a swinging leg or a foot resting on an adjacent sale item of furniture. In a quick and informal survey I was horrified to see that 60% of the recumbent masses were smoking and with a very carefree attitude to where the stray ash fell. The settees were, although of little immediate reassurance, carrying labels testifying to fire retardant characteristics. No doubt laudable precaution against major conflagration but little protection against a stubbed out dog-end. Add to the smoking statistics a gross weight of 120 stones for the settee squatters and I had very mixed feelings of concern for the integrity of the upholstery but was also greatly impressed by the stoutness and rigidity of the sub frames under such a dead weight. The third issue could wait a few minutes being more of a logistical nature. To go with the new living room seating I was also intrigued by the well advertised disposal of the entire contents of the executive dining room of a large and established local company. The firm were a global concern and the hospitality for sheiks and now respectable warlords would have to be of the highest calibre. The sale room preview on the morning of the auction had confirmed the worthiness of the quest for the settees. I also got a look at a dozen cardboard boxes of the finest quality Royal Doulton Ravenswood dinner services. Bright white, high glazed finished plates from main course size through to the small side plates, serving platters, tureens, gravy boats, fragile tea cups and saucers. The boxes appeared to be a good distribution of items, not quite a full compliment in each but well worth going after. A close scrutiny confirmed the quality. The plates had not been corporate branded which will have significantly reduced their attraction.The style featured a thin highly decorative silver leaf band just inside the edge. Obvious class and the pinnacle of good taste. Bidding was frantic. The first half dozen boxes went for well above my limit. There was, for the final boxed batches a very tangible cooling off in the room. I was now within my range and found myself the proud owner of the second to last box. It was not until I got home that the newly acquired executive dinner service could be studied in detail. 6 beautiful full sized plates in excellent condition, 6 side plates equally good, 5 tea cups, 3 sugar bowls, 32 saucers. Surprisingly for the level of wear and tear in a young and growing family the fine china remains largely intact although it is only really used on special occasions very much like for what it was intended under corporate entertainment protocols if a mogul or approved despot was in the area. In returning to the third problem with the settees I now had to remove these at the end of the sale and get them home. The parking lot of the auction warehouse and the surrounding industrial estate streets were awash with white or off-white coloured transit and Luton vans. Like the swarm of taxis at the end of a night out the sale room was a magnet for anyone with motorised transport to earn a few quid in removals and delivery. I asked at the payment counter if they could recommend a haulier. Before the staff could answer a figure loomed out of the shadows and offered his van and services for a flat rate of £15 for any load and distance but only if I was quick. I took this as an ill omen but then realised that he simply wanted to get in a few short runs from the sale room to cover his costs and provide a bit of profit. The settees were cleared for removal, loaded into a plain white van and then disappeared up the road with a note of my home address. In todays mistrustful society I may have unwittingly given the man a licence to clear my own house in his own van but the thought had not crossed my mind. Within a few minutes, carefully supporting the bottom of the Royal Doulton assorted box, I let him into the house and with great dexterity and consideration for the decorations he and a mate skilfully placed the two settees in their final resting place. The settees, with a faint odour of nicotine, were ideal for the room and gave very good service under the heavy duty demands of a busy family for many years.