Written by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens as part of The Plasticine Man (Series 8, Episode 13).
The full scripts have been lovingly reproduced by fans of The Goons but I have gone about it the hard way by listening and scribbling but that is half the fun of it.
The scene is in the great display halls of The National Gallery where two nightwatchmen are doing their rounds with a bit too much jollity.
The characters are the inimitable Eccles (Milligan) and Bluebottle (Peter Sellers)
(footsteps can be heard as though two people are running fast, slowing down and speeding up again interspersed with humming, singing and strange voices)
"I say Eccles"
"Yeah, 'bottles"
"You know them Greek Statues of nudists what we just passed?"
"ugh?"
"What happens in the autumn when the leaves begin to fall?"
"Well, um, the caretaker sweeps them up with his broom I suppose"
"Oh, didn't it tickle"
"No I wasn't wearing one, Ha ho. Oh the Statue, well a Statue can't feel a tickle"
"You mean I've been wasting my time?"
"You naughty man!"
The footsteps continue as the nightwatchmen continue their patrol
"You're a naughty 'bottle. I wondered why all your fingers were bandaged"
Footsteps stop.
"Ah, Eccles. Look at that naughty painting- Venus Bathing........Venus Bathing"
"You stupid nit. That is what is called a lady"
"I don't think it's fair when they've got no clothes on, how can you tell?"
"You're a stupid man. It's quite easy. The ones with the girls names are the ladies"
"Oh, your daddy must have had a word with you then"
"He did".
More follows in the full broadcast but it is too much for me after above had me rolling about with laughter.
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