I just don't.
My personal wardrobe has remained pretty much the same for the last decade or more.
I find that comforting. My wife finds it exasperating. I have had new clothes but if they are not Teflon coated, fire-proof, tear-proof or oil resistant then they never seem to last long. I do scrub up quite well when required and I do have some perception of what is to be expected of a man of my mature years in terms of hygiene and grooming.
The most recent additions to my clothing collection, or rather collection of clothing have been functional and practical rather than shall we say stylish and sophisticated. I feel that they say a lot about me and what I am about.
I tend not to venture out with an intention to purchase items but more go on an impulse. The special offers emblazoned across the display windows of TK Max and Primark do warrant a second look although it is true to say that any recent acquisitions have been bought for me, gifted at birthday or have just turned up on when dressing up is required for a high day, holy day, funeral or court appearance. I should qualify the last event being something to do with work and not a moral or other lapse on my part.
Most recent?
Well, a very effective high tec, moisture wicking away base layer garment that I wear for my cycling exploits. Prior to this revelation of fabric wonderment I would return home from a ride out like boil in the bag man, hot, sweaty and altogether bright red and unhealthy. The contrast now is amazing. I still weigh the same, perspire the same and yet I remain beautifully dry and therefore calm and a lesser tone of red. I have not studied the scientific explanation for this radical improvement in conditions and my performance. It is probably the equivalent of taking enhancing drugs even just for a ride up and down the route of the old East Coast railway line. Where that excess moisture goes, for it must surely still be produced by my efforts, I have no idea. It is not apparently converted into another waste product. I have no sensation of a trickling into my cycling shorts or into my socks and shoes. I am not followed along the track by a vapour cloud. I can skirt around promenading dogs without noticeably attracting a second glance or curious sniffing. It is truly a modern miracle of fibres and their weaving.
Prior to that space-age garment I did splash out on some work shirts as I do tend to run them into the ground even with a reasonable rotation of wear and wash. I am in fact most comfortable in my two piece suit with formal collar and tie which does draw attention for the novelty of it in a modern working environment. It serves as my uniform and I am very rarely challenged for identification or quizzed on the purpose of my wanderings in and out of buildings and people's homes in the course of my day. In some areas of the town I am often mistaken as a policeman if wearing a white shirt and dark tie. This can cause some strange behaviour amongst those with something to hide or feel guilty about. I tend to perpetuate that perception by casually glancing in the direction of any congregating group or furtive individuals with my best impression of an inquisitive TV detective.
Other items in my wardrobe are what you would call impulse buys. Merchandise from concerts features highly although I have not ever worn a tour t shirt in public. They do tend to be a bit garish and most of the performers have subsequently retired, gone bust, been imprisoned or have just gone out of the public eye.
Christmas is a good source of new clothes. My wife always gets me trousers and best shirt but they are usually ragged and tatty by the early new year. My brother in law hands me down a lot of trendy stuff and one of my favourite casual shirts is one donated by him from what must be 15 years ago.
There is something reassuring about a pile of familiar clothes hung up or loosely arranged in the bottom of a cupboard.
Each and every one has some association with a family event, a day out, a night in, a particular emotion, a good laugh or a long hard cry.
If you look at photographs of me over the last two decades you might think that they were in fact taken on one single day because I am always dressed the same. Trusty Chino's and that checked green generously fitting shirt mostly.
Having a fixed range of clothes does have its distinct advantages. Take today. Wembley trip for the FA Cup Final with my team Hull City up against the mighty Arsenal.
In 2008 I went to the Championship Play-Off Final at the same venue with my late Father, Phil and Peter for what turned out to be one of the greatest day trips in my and the club's history. A momentous moment with the winning goal bursting the net and two seasons in the Premier League.
I am not naturally superstitious but being garment-challenged I can be assured of one important thing. My lucky pants from that day are alive and well and up for another airing. Hurrah, C'mon you 'Ull.
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