Fantastic Science

Scientists seem to have a lot of spare time.

I do not belittle their contributions to furthering our collective health, advancing technology and enhancing our lives but really, when they start to apply theoretical physics to fairy tales and legends that just is a bit too far.

The most recent investigation and study has claimed to have proved that the fictional characters of The Borrowers, published in 1952 by Mary Norton and much loved by children and adults alike could never exist in physiological terms. This is based on their small size which creates a large surface area on a proportional basis and the likelihood of them suffering debilitating freezing. They would also have sensory deprivation because of their small ears and eyes so any lifestyle from scavenging would be near impossible.

In fact theirs would be an intolerable and miserable existence, a far cry from the happy, scrappy literary creations that have been so endearing.

What other much loved characters have received the same analytical treatment?

Pinocchio, that wooden marionette striving to be a real boy was not able to tell a lie without his nose extending. Scientists, resting between inventions and innovations, have calculated that it would only take 13 consecutive lies for Pinocchio to experience a fatal snapping of his grainy neck.

The Brothers Grimm fairy tale of Rapunzel, the blond haired princess in the tower also comes under scrutiny. She let down her hair to allow her handsome prince to climb up and as we all know, there was a happy ending. If one or more of the Grimm's had insisted on strict adherence to physical laws the story will have been a bit different. One strand of human hair can support about 100 grams. Rapunzel, as a blond would have an inferior hair count to a brunette (140,000 hairs) and may have had difficulty in wooing her royal suitor. There would anyway be a high risk of the hair ripping out of the scalp unless first wrapped around something close by such as the four poster bed, bible lecturne or other piece of chunky furniture.

In another Grimm tale there was the transformation of a frog into a human. Such a change in mass would require a considerable amount of energy, in theory, but Scientists have considered this to be possible just from the kinetic energy of air alone. Sounds a bit far fetched.

There is a general trend for science to read far too much into fictional characters and intentionally fantastical situations.

Take Winnie the Pooh, the 1958 creation of A.A. Milne and a childhood favourite of mine.

His physical appearance is bumbling, joyous and endearing but yet being of yellowish skin tincture, with an awkward bipedal motion, memory loss and fatigue there could be a diagnosis of vitamin B12 deficiency. That seems a long winded appraisal as everyone knows that a diet of just honey would play havoc with the immune system.

The focus of underemployed or poorly motivated scientists extends even further into popular myths, legends and cultures.

Not one but three scientists published a learned paper on whether the flying carpets in 1001 Arabian Nights were actually a viable form of transport. It was thought that specific conditions would have to be in play for a carpet to fly. A small and thin floor covering, if agitated in a vibrating air stream could become airborne as in the case of tissue paper when released into the air. A heavy Arabian carpet, thickly woven and tassled would require a huge engine to achieve flight, so why not just invent the aeroplane?

As well as mechanical things there has been a methodical approach to fairy tale plants and animals.

In an experiment using toilet roll tubes it was demonstrated that a tower capable of sustaining the weight of a small boy called Jack was possible giving credence to a vegetable beanstalk. Less likely, the scientists conceded, was the ability of a hen to lay a golden egg from the same much loved story. Applying Newton's 3rd Law of Motion that every action has an equal and opposite reaction would cause a hen, in ejecting a golden egg, to be propelled violently away upon laying the said article.

In modern fables and comic book stories it has been calculated that Spiderman would have to have hands of 110cm span just to be able to clamber up a wall with his sticky web.

As for the presence of The Clangers on the moon, well it is widely thought that their landings on earth's satellite were probably faked.

Mrs Rabbit, in the Tales of Beatrix Potter, could not have fastened up the buttons on her son Peter's waistcoat because she had no opposable thumbs.

As for the singer and performer Miley Cyrus, one scientist with time to spare has worked through the logical outcome of one of her hit records. It appears that if she were to "come in like a wrecking ball" it is highly unlikely that she would survive the impact without serious injury.