Tuesday 24 May 2016

Leave to Remain

Everyone seems to be citing scenarios for and against Britain in Europe. 

Some projections are outrageous, others ridiculous and a few are just a bit too apocalyptic. 

I just thought I would add a few so as not to feel left out of the speculation about what no-one can foretell or predict will actually happen. 


The White Cliffs of Dover will lose all symbolism

The songs of Plastic Bertrand will be forgotten forever

French Kissing will just become kissing

The Premier League will comprise two British men and an enthusiastic dog per team

English men will look even more stupid wearing casual shoes with no socks

Gruff, hard working Northern British towns will be twinned with posh Southern ones

A French made car will assume an exotic character

Wearing a string of onions around your neck will no longer be seen as funny

The Eurovision Song Contest will become like the Holy Grail

Buying Polish will just mean buying something to buff up your shoes

Euro Trash will just become good old British Crap

We may forget that Walkers Crisps, in Europe are called Lays

British people will no longer feel happy speaking loudly in the company of foreigners

Replica football shirts will not be suitable gear in which to travel abroad

The nation's collection of European loose change will dwindle dramatically

There will no longer be an option to "Go Dutch" on a date

Even larger holes will appear in British roads and footpaths. Children may fall in.

Continental Quilts will have to be surrendered for old fashioned sheets and blankets

Pavement Cafe's and Piazzas will be shunned as being too foreign for our tastes

No more straw donkeys or wide brimmed sombrero's will ever pass through Customs

British people will travel soberly and quietly on aeroplane flights

Piri-Piri Chicken will not enjoy the ascendancy in our culture that it so deserves

Blackpool Tower will never again be mistaken for the Eiffel Tower

People describing non British Food as foreign muck will be heralded as heroes

Danish Pastries will be sold under the counter as illicit goods

Nice Biscuits will just become rectangular, sugar frosted biscuits

Invitations to former members to rejoin The British Empire will be sent out

Italian men, in the minds of British women, will become like Gods

The Smurfs will be cited by parents as the ultimate threat to naughty children

All ex-pat Brits will have to return to the homeland

As above, Sales of campervans will plummet overnight but sun bed sales will boom

The North Sea will be stained blue to invoke memories of the Mediterranean

Only one type of breakfast will exist in restaurant buffets

Cafe Culture will just be a growth of mould on a sad attempt at a latte

The Union Jack will become just black and white

Britains will finally admit that living on an island makes for a sad, lonely existence

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