The Ultimate Knock Knock

A wonderful bit of comedy acted out by The Goons in a radio show first broadcast in September 1954. 

Sellers, Secombe and Milligan all combine in this nonsensical sketch which starts when they go in search of the answer to "The whistling spy enigma".

I apologise for any errors in the transcript which I took from a radio re-run on BBC Four Extra.

Peter Sellers is Mr Henry Crun, Spike Milligan plays Eccles and Harry Secombe as Neddie Seagoon

Knock Knock sounds that go on for an age, echoing and repeating........


Sellers; Who is it eh? Who is it?

Secombe; Open this door or I'll break it down as long as so heaven help me as I live and breathe

Sellers; However did you get a name like that

Secombe; I have influence

Milligan; Open Up Mr Crun, It's me Eccles

Sellers; Oh Eccles, it's me Mr Crun

Milligan; Oh Mr Crun, it's me Eccles

Sellers; Mr Eccles?

Milligan; oh,

Sellers: well, well

Secombe; You idiot, Mr Crun, just open this door at once

Sellers; I can't. It's locked and the key's lost

Secombe: Curse, the doors locked

Sellers; Try the window, that's open

Secombe; Right (rattles the window a few times) oh curse, the window's locked as well

Sellers; It's open

Secombe; It's locked. Come out and see for yourself

Sellers; I will (door opens) now let me try it, (rattles the window)  Ooh, aah. You're right you know- the window is locked What a state of affairs. The window and the door are locked.

Milligan : I'll go inside and open it

Secombe: Bravo

Milligan: Ok, Hello, it's no good Mr Crun. The window's locked from the inside as well

Secombe; It's a fine howd'ya do

Sellers: Where?

Secombe: Are you sure you can't find the key to the door

Sellers: Oh, my dear military gentleman, come inside and look for yourself

Secombe; Right, lead on

Sellers; Now, it used to hang on the nail behind this door

Secombe; Well, it's certainly not there. Looks as if we're locked out

Knock Knock

Sellers: Who's there?

Milligan; It's me Eccles. I've got the window open. If you come out you can crawl through it

Sellers: We can't come out. The door's locked and we've lost the key

Milligan; Ooh, can I come in and help you look for it (door opens)

Sellers; Of course, come in

Milligan: Thank you, Thank you

Sellers; Now let me see, oh, Eureka! temper fidelis! I've found it, It was in my pocket all the time

Secombe; Good show

Sellers; Now, I'll just unlock the door and let them in . ( key turns) Oh Good Heavens.All that trouble for nothing.

Secombe; Why?

Sellers; There's nobody out here.