Lofty Expectations

Statistically speaking, I am a bit of a Health and Safety Risk. I work in a sector where there is regular exposure to hazard for example, being squashed  by masonry falling from buildings, dropping through rotten floors, tripping over bodies, picking up fleas or an environmentally related illness or stumbling across a group of non-specific fanatics assembling some form of explosive device in a dimly lit and damp bedsit flat. I also drive a lot between jobs so again more exposure to the whims, fancies and mood swings of thousands of road-users.
I am in some control over the level of peril by being sensible and careful in the situations that I come across. If a particular property looks distinctly dodgy I will ring my office to announce my impending entry and that "I'm going in now" and with the request that if I do not, within strictly half an hour, let them know that I am safely out then they are to mobilise the emergency services, hostage negotiators, Max Clifford and my nearest and dearest and in that strict order. This rather extreme measure is quite rare but can be fully justified and prudent in cases where a building is fully boarded up and lacking floors and staircase, where there are signs of previous use as a major Cannabis production facility or where I am just a bit scared by the shadow cast by a large bird or the sound of crows seemingly laughing at me in their best Omen style. I was standing outside a house after being prevented entry by an obstruction behind the door when the bay window blew out in a flash of flame after arsonists had torched the place only minutes before I would have been inside. I do advocate safe surveying and there is plenty of guidance on this is my work manuals and professional publications. There are definitely some situations, and I speak from first hand experience, where full compliance and awareness cannot in any way protect you from the accident or misfortune that is just awaiting around the corner. Three such mishaps have afflicted me in recent years. All of these involved the use of ladders. It is a common fact that a body will swell up when entering a very warm and humid place. My 15 foot long ladder was already a tight fit into the high loft hatch access to the roof void above a large Victorian house. This gave me just enough clearance to squeeze through and in to the loft but not without some discomfort of a compressed chest and sternum between the aluminium rungs and the frame of the hatch. As they say, I did my business in inspecting the cavernous roof structure but was soon bathed in sweat mixed with dust and cobwebs in the extremely high temperatures below the black slate roof covering. The lady of the house could be heard at the foot of the ladder asking if I was nearly finished as she had to go out. I, red faced and perspiring, replied that I was and turned in the hatch to put my leading foot onto the ladder. I could see that the lady was waiting to escort me off the premises. Both feet on the ladder, ok, up to the knees and waist ,ok ,as I descended slowly. Then, remembering the pain on ascending through compaction of the chest I gingerly stepped lower. I was considerably heat swollen and as I scraped through the restricted opening my shirt lifted up and over my head. I stepped off the foot of the ladder looking like I was celebrating the winning goal in the cup final much to the horror of the homeowner. With that reaction I went on a diet.
In an empty house, used by a charity to store their clothing collection stock, the loft hatch was in the centre of the ceiling above the largest pile of unsorted items. I had to wade through the woollens, acrylics and nylons up to my own waist with ladder above my head to get into position. I pushed open the hatch cover with the top of the ladder and then fed it through into the darkness. The foot of the ladder could not be firmly rooted in the soft clothes and was out of alignment but stable enough to climb. At the top I realised I had left my torch in the hallway of the house and started down the ladder. The smell hit first and then I felt my hands in the soft cold mess of dog pooh. I gagged and retched realising that not only my hands but trousers and shoes were covered with the same. The source of the fouling was somewhere in the mass of second hand clothes. I went home to get changed, driving with all the car windows open.
The most awkward and painful experience was all my own doing. In a post war built bungalow, I was happy to see a built in loft ladder rather than having to lug around my own folding steps.Two paralell sections were tipped off balance and partly slid down to a reachable height.  A catch released the lower of the two sections which I slowly eased down on to the floor. One foot on the lower rung  I placed my left hand on the top rung of the lower section which suddenly clicked down and locked in place trapping my fingers. My weight on the ladder prevented me from loosening the tight grip of the two sections. I had only one option open to me. I had to get my body weight above my hand so that the lower section could be pulled up and clear of my trapped body part. Easier said than done as I had to work my way up using the remaining free hand in a crab like movement, ever more precarious in angle with each step. I was soon upside down with my feet higher than my head very much imitating a performance by a trapeize artist from Billy Smarts Circus I had once seen. It was not a time to get cramps or vertigo. Only in this contorted position could I then ease up the lower section hanging on by my feet from the aluminium ladder. My hand was at last free. This had taken about 10 minutes to do, in an empty house and with no phone within reach.I could imagine the post mortem report and subsequent press speculation about the strange games played by surveyors in empty houses had this not gone well for me. I was awarded at the Christmas party with the inter office commendation for incompetence and reluctantly accepted the dreaded prize of a golden boot. Not as harsh as you may think as my actions had helped me defend my winning streak in this category over a number of successive years.