Mousetaken Identity

The mouse who has taken to darting across our kitchen floor at just about the same time every evening appears to have a personal vendetta against me.

It is now getting beyond a joke that it continues to evade my best efforts at capture. I do promise that if I am successful in this battle of wills the mouse will be carefully driven to a better and more affluent postcode area and released. The prospects, to my mind, of a higher calibre lifestyle for the rodent far outweigh any pride issues of being outwitted by a human.

I have been taunted by the determined dash from fridge freezer to a small gap between the kitchen base units and the wall which is only enacted if I enter the room. The movement is perceptible to the eye but so swift that if afforded the luxury of a second glance it is as if nothing has happened and I am left questioning my observational skills and my sanity.

It is obviously quite big though. This introduces the possibility of a slightly different breed of the common house mouse and some anxiety in my mind about genetic mutation and the development, beneath the floorboards, of a super-mouse. Either that or it is just very unkempt and the perception of size is solely a consequence of an afro-type hair do, rather matted, unruly and sticky.

The route taken by the mouse is always from fridge freezer to units which must be a return journey to its home but strangely I have never witnessed it making the outward journey. I have ignored the possibilty that I have seen not a sole mouse but a continuous flow of mice as though the back of the fridge freezer is a portal or escape hatch for the whole neighbourhood.

In a bid to catch the mouse I had a notion to stuff crumpled newspaper into the hole at the unit side of the kitchen. The first few twists of newsprint did not take hold in the hole and fell through behind the kicker board but eventually I was sure that the usual daily route was now fully blocked off. This was later proven to be the case when my wife, upon entering the kitchen saw the hairy rodent make a dive for the hole, bounce off the paper stopper and then, a bit shocked, make a mad run at my wife with resultant shrieking and hysteria. I would probably have the same reaction when faced with the very random, darting movements of a creature intent on making a bid for escape with no regard for human sensitivities.

The mouse, after its frantic run around eventually disappeared under the cooking range and from there, no doubt, to an extensive network of alleys and channels beneath the house. I eased the paper out of the hole but now with a better indication of the regular route of the mouse I set to another plan for its capture.

The humane trap from B and Q works on a see-saw principle in that even the gossamer hollow boned lightness of a mouse entering in search of food or just out of curiosity will cause the stunted banana shaped container to tip on its axis causing the hatch to snap shut.

I had a very wide choice of patented versions of the humane trap at the DIY outlet which indicated that mine was not the only conflict between mice and men. There were also a number of bait boxes and poison systems but my determination to trade a better life for a mouse free residence remained resolute.

Mice have evolved somewhat in their dietary preferences with cheese being relegated to the status of urban myth. The manufacturer of the humane trap recommended usuing chocolate or peanut butter as a bait.  I had been successful a few years ago with the corner of an after eight mint and could appreciate the attraction of a choccy based morsel.

The trap was smeared with Tesco peanut butter, the crunchy type. I was not sure how much constituted enough of a temptation to enter the dark space of the trap or whether I was providing enough to sustain a few months diet. Lying on my belly on the cold tiled floor of the kitchen I eased in and set the trap paralell to the back wall under the cooker. This was directly in what I felt was the mouse way.

Next morning there were no signs of activity. On subsequent inspections however strange things had happened overnight. The trap was sprung but empty. It had been spun around as though struck by a fast moving and largish object. It had moved a percptible distance from where I had placed it. Perhaps a larger trap was required if the disturbance had been from this rodent getting stuck, wedged into the opening and out of frustration trashing the set-up and positioning. He/she is very clever and a tricky adversary.

It was and still remains Game -On between me and that mouse and I will keep you informed of who it is that wins out in the coming days and weeks. Perhaps I should consider withdrawing the offer of relocation to an area with a better standard of living if it is not going to be appreciated.

Reproduced from sometime last year