It is that time to be asked in just about every conversation with family, "What do you want for Christmas?".
Little clues are sought in others from their behaviour towards a particular TV advertisement, a brief lingering outside a certain shop window, the expression of regret that something has broken or run our after not quite twelve months, the casual leaving open of a page in a catalogue or magazine with a bloody great red ring drawn around an item in permanent marker pen. Myself, well I have no real demands or requirements because like most people in the consumer orientated and materialistic western world we have just about everything we need and more than one of them in some things.
This year there is a hype about smart phones, tablets, e-readers and any sundry piece of kit that can facilitate tweeting, facebooking, taking selfies, reading and on line shopping. I would, frankly, be more than happy with some socks, non-too tight briefs, a couple of real paper based books and one or more CD's from the bands on my playlist as a consequence of being introduced to new music on BBC 6. I represent, therefore, one of the problem people for whom to purchase presents at Christmas. I am not alone in this category of difficult to buy for or in normal parlance, an awkward bugger.
There are publications around at this time of year to help. The Times, a weekend ago had listings based on sex, age and budget. By sex I mean gender and not the other. To a certain extent this was more of an attempt at product placement to boost advertising revenue rather than an impartial and inspirational attempt to break through the barrier of indecision and fear, on the part of the gift giver to disappoint or insult the recipient.
Other catalogues doing the rounds are from large department stores or a few independent and on-line companies. The former are quite traditional and reserved. The latter are completely wacky and out of their tree as the following suggestions illustrate. The description of the product is theirs. The subsequent comments are mine.
For Her;
The Original Chicken Handbag. A hideous and bulbous hen shaped bag termed a Clucktch bag.
Any female relative receiving such would be likely to run it over
in their car before dinner on the 25th December.
Cosmetics Useful lip balm and hand cream under the branding of Lip Shit and
Hand Shit.
Confectionery Various goodies from Evil Hot Gummi Bears to Red Hot Chilli
Jellies, a 2kg jelly bear, Marmite flavoured chocolate, drinking
fudge.
Clothing Horrendous knitted reindeer jumper, beard hats, adult sized baby
grow, Pug dog faced T shirt.
Toys Gourmet scented pencils, roadkill soft rabbit with extruded organs,
underwater disco lightshow for bathtime
Kitchen gadgets Coffee mug French press, slush puppy maker in a plush cuppy, s
sunnyside egg shaper, voodoo knife block, mini retro popcorn
maker.
For Him
Grooming Hand sanitiser called "maybe you touched your genitals", razor
sharpening pit, not much else........
Alcoholic Chocolate Whisky, insect infused vodka (scorpions), Home brew
beer and cider kits, Banoffee flavoured vodka, Duff Beer.
Snacks Selection of American Classic choc bars from Hersheys, Reeses,
M and M's. Sex Cereal, gin and tonic gourmet popcorn.
Adventurous Big Book of Breasts, Marshall Amp fridge cabinet, cannabis
energy drink, pop up tent in the shape of a VW Camper Van,
Samurai sword umbrella, zombie slippers.
Geeky Pac Man Ghost Lamp, Micro-Drone Helicopter, Star Wars
origami, Tenth Dr Who's Sonic Screwdriver Remote Control.
USS Enterprise Pizza Cutter.
Film-buff Wilson face painted football, Meth Amphetamine shaped and
coloured bath crystals, Death Star Ice Cube Maker.
Gadgets Waterproof cover for iphone, breathaliser for iphone, grip pad for
iphone, perhaps an iphone.
Ridiculous All of the above
Acknowledgment to Firebox
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