Off Road Diversions

It is because of the perversions and peccadilloes of others that my working day has a new source of stress and anguish.

It is enough of a logistical task to plan my day out on the road in the pursuit of business in order to give custom to village shops at critical periods of low blood sugar and light headedness. I work efficiently if I keep well up to date with my workload. My mental capacity is finite at best so if I have completed a large survey inspection then it is always best to park up, coffee in the cup holder, Mars Bar somewhere between the seat and handbrake, crisps everywhere else in readiness for a session of audio dictation..

I have covered my affinity for cliff top car parks before and I still rate these as ideal places for doing paperwork. That is fine and dandy when my route is into coastal areas but that is not always the case. A good proportion of my time is spent driving between the main County towns and larger villages.

Many of these have been by-passed in recent years and a feature of a new roadway is a lay-by.

These, where purpose built for the increased volumes of traffic, can be bleak and desolate places. Vehicles passing on the carriageway at speed can cause buffetting and distraction for someone required to meet a deadline. At other times the lay by can be full of lorries and wagons or has the appearance of a picket line with overalled workers crowded around a smoking burger bar.

The other type of lay-by is where part of the original trunk road is left stranded by the new road course. These are creepy even in the brightest daylight as they invariably include a former accident blackspot bend, coarse rough verges, a clump of trees and an overflowing inadequate waste bin. Many do smell a bit of wee-wee, especially if you do not check the wind direction and speed first.

What on first impression may appear to be a dense patch of snowdrops is usually dumped white goods.After marvelling at a skillfully assembled badger set there is disappointment in the realisation that it is nothing more than someones fly tipping of offcuts from a wayward leylandii hedge. That rolled up lounge carpet wrapped around a shape resembling a body may in fact actually be that. I have discovered the entire stock of rock salt for our County in one rather remote lay-by when they strongly denied having any left last winter.

So, in the hierarchy of places to park up and work the stranded old road lay-by is firmly at the foot of the table. This is fortunate for me because to my utter shock I have learnt from the local press that such lay-bys are frequently used and at all hours of the day for illicit sex and liaisons.

In retrospect, that elderly couple did look a bit startled when I quietly negotiated the potholed course of the old road and passed them with a quick glance. The flash of red from their hasty actions betrayed the fact that they had the latest non-shatter Thermos flask, 1.5 litre capacity and cap-stowed cup and sugar dispenser. I thought to enquire where they had purchased such a hard to come by item but they were by then obviously scribbling down my registration number, car make and colour. Another mature couple, on a warmer summer morning were encamped on an old road lay-by with deckchairs and newspapers by the side of their car. An idyllic scene indeed. I bemused some miles later on my journey that lederhosen and basque were unusual attire, unless they were European visitors just off the Rotterdam Ferry.

I do have a strict policy about parking up. It is important to avoid any educational establishments, day care nurseries and nurses homes. CCTV is all seeing and when coupled with automatic number plate recognition technology my inevitable high annual mileage will statistically mean a higher chance of my registration appearing on a database.

Cliff top car parks and featureless drag strip modern lay-bys will have to remain as best choice for parking-up if only to avoid embarassing questions from the local patrolling constabulary, being photographed by civic minded local residents or propositioned by Gottfried and Lottie who just happen to be visiting East Yorkshire as part of a package holiday covering roadside sex-spots.